


and you lied to all of your selves

by penrosequartz



Category: Sander Sides, Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF, prinxiety - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Bad Puns, Drinking, Falling In Love, Fluff, Gay, Hugs, Kinda, M/M, Moana - Freeform, Nyctophobia, OC, Original Character - Freeform, Prinxiety - Freeform, Sad, Sanders Sides - Freeform, Self-Harm, Sexual innuendos, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Song Lyrics, dad jokes, dragons?, falling asleep, getting drunk, just for plot reasons, logicality - Freeform, mal blum lyrics, sorry - Freeform, there will be a lot of sad with happy at the end i promise, thomas sanders - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-01-05 03:24:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 22,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12181956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penrosequartz/pseuds/penrosequartz
Summary: Roman doesn't like Virgil, and Virgil doesn't like people, okay? That's how this works.Virgil doesn't like the dark, either.Come to think of it, Virgil doesn't like much.





	1. so watched and wanted

**Author's Note:**

> hey, so  
> a) the title and lyrics are from a mal blum song called 'archive'  
> b) mal blum songs remind me of virgil  
> c) they're mostly referred to as roman, virgil, logan, and patton  
> d) the anxiety attack at the beginning is pretty bad, potentially triggering  
> e) okay, please do not comment anything rude about the anxiety attack? it's a description of an anxiety attack i had, so i want no 'that's not how anxiety attacks work' because i know how they fucking work, /trust me/.  
> f) please enjoy!!! more chapters soon?

[ _oh my god, we're gonna die_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjQkPLklovXAhVDspQKHfNhCCsQuAIIMDAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DKhccP7pNH3M&usg=AOvVaw1ZNmwh7LR1_rlAbAPJl8FO)

[ _we're gonna die and maybe it's gonna be alone_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjQkPLklovXAhVDspQKHfNhCCsQuAIIMDAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DKhccP7pNH3M&usg=AOvVaw1ZNmwh7LR1_rlAbAPJl8FO)

[ _we're gonna die and maybe it's gonna be alone and no one will find the things we left behind_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjQkPLklovXAhVDspQKHfNhCCsQuAIIMDAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DKhccP7pNH3M&usg=AOvVaw1ZNmwh7LR1_rlAbAPJl8FO)

 

* * *

 

Anxiety was done for the day. He’d been on his best behaviour, but there was a knot in his stomach that made his fists clench. He didn't know what he was even worried about - was this what Thomas felt like when his anxiety fucked around with him?

God, Virgil knew he was a part of Thomas and that he was a necessary component for self-preservation, but he wished he wasn't. He wished that sweet boy could live out his life without Anxiety jumping him every five minutes because the personality was so fucking on edge.

Virgil paused as he walked toward his room, seeing the kitchen, and feeling his stomach growl. He hadn't eaten all day, but… Thomas was tired, and watching T.V., which meant that he might fall asleep at any second. And Virgil didn't want to be out here when that happened.

Eventually, his hunger won out, and he hurriedly ducked into the kitchen and started making a quick sandwich, grabbing random things from the fridge and stuffing them between the two slices of bread he'd grabbed.

And then all the lights went off.

 _“Oh, fuck,”_ he managed to whisper coherently before his mind freaked out.

He dropped the knife he’d been holding, hearing it clatter to the floor below him, and he took a shallow breath, feeling everything sharpen and blur simultaneously. He could hear every little sound, feel everything touching him. He had his back to the fridge - when had he turned around? - and he could make out most of the outlines of shapes in the room. Behind everything, there was something, or someone, waiting to get the drop on him, and there was _someone behind him, too, even with his back pressed against the cool surface he could feel the fingers reaching for him._

He tried to breathe steadily, counting slowly and controlling his breath. He knew that he could turn a light on if he just took a step… but he couldn't. He couldn't do this, he couldn't…

He sank to his knees, feeling something nudge his leg. Fuck, what was that? Was someone there- no, calm down, it's just the knife you dropped before. You've had anxiety attacks before. You're not going to die.

“B-be not afeard,” he whispered quietly between shaky breaths and sobs as he felt tears running down his face, “Be not afeard, the- the isle is full of noises, sounds, and s-sweet airs, that- _oh Jesus,_ that g-give delight and hurt not.”

He felt his breathing slowly even out, and stayed curled in a ball on the floor for a little while.

“I sound like Princey,” he rolled his eyes, chuckling a little. Shakespeare always helped to calm him down, for some reason  - particularly that quote.

Suddenly a light flickered on above him, shocking him, and he grabbed the knife.

“Woah!” Came a shocked voice. He was face to face with Roman.

“Uh,” Virgil said, “Hey.” Dammit, he found himself tongue-tied a lot around the regal personality, and he still didn't know why.

“Are… you alright?” Roman asked concernedly, looking at the knife in Virgil’s hand.

“Yeah, I just. Dropped this,” Virgil waved the knife, getting to his feet and placing it on the chopping board.

“Right,” Roman shrugged, “Were you making a sandwich?”

“Are you hungry?” Virgil quickly asked on impulse, “‘Cause I started making it and I, uh, don't really feel like it anymore.”

“Oh,” Roman’s face lit up, “Are you sure?”

“Totally,” Virgil brushed past the royal, shoulders still shuddering a little, but Roman reached out and grabbed his arm. Anxiety froze.

“Are you sure you're okay?” Roman asked.

“Yep,” Virgil steeled his jaw, “If you don't let go of my arm I’ll deck you in the face, but yeah, I’m fine.”

“Sorry,” Roman quickly dropped his arm, “Sorry, Anx- Virgil.”

Virgil left without another word and went straight to his room, thanking all the gods above that the hallway light was on again. He opened and shut the door, flopping down on his bed, and curled up tight under his blankets.

And after he’d cried about everything in the dark, when he was finally numb, he fell asleep to one thought echoing through his head: eventually, he was going to die. Thomas was going to die. And no one would remember him, and no one would care.

Virgil dreamed of broken glass and bruises blooming like violent violets underneath his skin.

 

* * *

 

Roman was nervous around Virgil.

He knew why, of course - Virgil embodied all of Thomas’ anxiety, why wouldn't he be nervous? Still, when Virgil had threatened to punch him, Roman felt… sad. Sad that he might never be able to truly connect with the other personality.

Now, all four of them were on the couch with Thomas, watching Moana. Roman was sitting cross-legged next to Virgil and Patton, who was sitting next to Thomas, who was sitting next to Logan.

“None of this makes sense,” the Logical personality grumbled under his breath, grabbing a handful of popcorn from the bowl on Thomas’ lap.

“It doesn't _have_ to make sense,” Patton sighed, “But you know what you have to make?”

Logan frowned.

“What?”

“More popcorn,” Patton held up the now-almost-empty bowl.

“Ugh,” Logan stood, taking the bowl off Patton and walking to the kitchen.

“Do you want me to pause it?” Thomas called.

“Um,” Logan said, “Yes please.”

Thomas did, and Roman laughed.

“Hey,” the royal turned to the figure clothed in purple and black to his right, “Look at Moana’s face right now.”

Virgil glared at him. He hadn't asked to be here. He didn't want to be here. But he glanced up at the screen anyway, and saw that Moana’s face was contorted in the most hilarious way.

And the sound Roman heard was absolutely incredible - Virgil _giggled._ Of course, then the anxious personality slapped his hand over his mouth and frowned at Roman.

“Oh my goodness,” Patton squealed, “Virgil laughed!”

The anxious personality froze.

“What?” Came the voice from the kitchen.

“Guys,” Thomas sighed, “You're making him uncomfortable.”

Roman was completely still, open-mouthed smile on his face.

“Sorry, Virgil!” Patton apologised, “Hurry up, Logan!”

Logan joined them again, and Thomas pressed play. A few minutes later, Virgil snuck a glance at Roman, who was still staring at him.

“You're supposed to be watching the _movie_ , not me,” Virgil whispered, smirking.

Roman blushed, snapping his head around to stare at the movie again, but he soon felt his gaze return to Virgil’s face. The other personality looked a little fearful of what was happening onscreen, but that soon turned to hope as Moana began to sing.

“You're staring again,” Virgil breathed flatly. What was Roman playing at?

“Sorry, really,” Roman turned slowly back to the screen and tried to lose himself in the movie again.

 

* * *

 

Virgil was back on the couch. This wasn't the couch in Thomas’ house, the couch in his head. This time, Virgil was watching some sci-fi show - he had no idea why, or even how he started it, but it was ok.

“Hello,” came a voice from behind.

Virgil turned his head, seeing Roman once again.

“Sup,” Virgil pursed his lips. Roman clearly thought he was weird, that's why they kept meeting, why Roman and he kept talking. Roman was… scientifically fascinated by him, nothing more.

Although, ‘scientific’ wasn't really Roman’s thing.

“So,” Virgil sighed, “Why were you staring at me? Did I have something or my face, or what?”

“What?” Roman frowned, “No.”

“Then _what,”_ Virgil paused the show, “Why were you looking at me like that?”

“I-” Roman started, before realising that he had nothing to say.

“I don't know.”

“You don't know,” Virgil deadpanned.

“I mean,” Roman rubbed the back of his neck, “Your laugh was distracting. I've never heard you laugh before.”

Virgil froze.

“Distracting?”

“Yes,” Roman coughed, back-pedalling, “Sorry, did I overstep a boundary just then? I feel like I did. Forget I said that.”

“Why would I be _distracting?”_ Virgil said, and edge to his voice, “I just _laughed,_ and you guys made such a big fucking deal out of it, Jesus Christ!”

“I'm sorry,” Roman’s eyes widened, “I- I didn't want Patton to point it out like that, I didn't mean to focus on it like that! You just-”

“I just what?” Virgil growled.

“Sounded so nice,” Roman said quietly.

“What?” Virgil said, cheeks pink, after a second had passed, “Sorry. What?”

“Sorry,” Roman whispered again, “What are you watching?”

“Uh,” Virgil grasped for words, thoughts going through his brain at a million miles a second, “Some. Some sci-fi show.”

“Can I?” Roman gestured to the couch.

“Sure,” Virgil clutched his knees to his chest, fear spiking in his chest.

“Thanks.”

The anxious personality pressed play.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Roman felt uncomfortable. His neck was in an odd position.

He cracked open his eyes.

He wasn't in his bed.

He lifted one hand and wiped his eyes, glancing around, and smiling warmly. Virgil was sprawled over him, his head resting on Roman’s chest, over his heart.

Roman decided that he wouldn't leave just yet. Virgil looked beautiful in the morning light.

 

* * *

 

“Hnng,” Virgil grumbled, slowly opening one eye, and then jumping up off the couch. Had he fallen asleep _on Roman?_ Shit, Roman probably hated him, Roman probably couldn’t get up and didn’t want to wake him, _fuck-_

“Good morning,” came Roman’s quiet voice.

Virgil nervously glanced at the white-and-red clothed figure still lying on the couch.

“I don’t hate you,” the royal smiled slightly.

“What?” Virgil felt his hands shake.

“You were mumbling, and I don’t hate you,” Roman sat up slowly, wincing a little, “Just so you know.”

Oh. So he’d said that out loud?

“Are you… okay?” Virgil asked.

“Pardon?” Roman frowned.

“Your neck,” Virgil gestured.

“I’m fine,” Roman said hurriedly, glancing at the clock on the wall, “But I’ve got to go, Thomas is thinking up video ideas, and of course creativity is required!”

“Okay,” Virgil stared at the floor and Roman stood.

“Do you… want to spend some time together? Later?” Roman asked awkwardly.

“Why?” Virgil narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

“Jesus _Christ,_ because I enjoy talking to you?” Roman cried exasperatedly, “Is that so hard to understand?”

Virgil paused.

“Yes?”

“Oh for- please?” Roman pleaded, “I’ll even invite the others if you want-”

“Oh, god, no,” Virgil groaned. Patton and Logan were so painfully domestic and he didn’t think he could handle their blatant flirting any longer. Even though he was the only one out of all of them that seemed to recognise it _as_ flirting.

“Okay. So. Later?” Roman asked hopefully.

“Maybe,” Virgil said with a small smile.

Roman beamed, and left the room.

“Bye,” Virgil whispered.

What was wrong with him? Did he actually just agree to hang out with someone? What the _fuck,_ no! He did not want to hang out with Roman, of all people. He wanted to hide in his room and forget about this whole thing. He fell asleep on someone else. He was _unconscious,_ at his most vulnerable, and he was literally lying on someone else at the time.

Not that he thought Roman would hurt him.

Or maybe he would - he knew none of the personalities liked him, _at all,_ he made life hell for their host, maybe this was some sort of plan to get close enough to hurt Virgil.

Shit.


	2. narratives and mortality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> virgil is avoiding roman, patton is a DAD, logan is patton's boyfriend but they're not dating or anything, roman fought a witch?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i added a link to the mal blum song at the beginning!  
> please leave kudos/comments if you liked it

[ _ and it's so obvious _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhccP7pNH3M)

[ _ this jaded bunch _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhccP7pNH3M)

[ _ we don't believe in ghosts and such _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhccP7pNH3M)

[ _ we watch the hunt incredulous _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhccP7pNH3M)

[ _ but cannot look away _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhccP7pNH3M)

 

* * *

 

“Hey,” Roman’s voice came from the kitchen, “Come look at this.”

Virgil drifted toward the voice, feeling off, feeling  _ wrong. _

Why was it so dark? He felt his heart rate pick up.

In the kitchen, Roman stood, towering over another Virgil, who was crouched on the floor. In the corners of the room stood Logan, Patton, and Thomas.

“This is isn’t what happened,” Virgil tried to say, but it came out slowly, too slowly, “Please, no, wait…”

He watched as Roman took the knife from the other him.

“Here, it’s okay, I’ll hold it for you,” Roman’s voice had an edge, a cold curve to his lips and a distant look in his eyes, like he was a doll, a replica.

“No,” Virgil breathed.

Roman plunged forward, shoving the knife into the other Virgil’s throat, and Virgil watched himself die, blood bubbling out, crumpling to the floor, crimson shining. In what light?

Logan, Patton, Thomas. Laughing.

Roman turned, red-tinted knife in his hand - and Virgil jerked awake.

Fucking hell, when had he fallen asleep? That was not supposed to happen. Why was he so tired?

Well, probably because he’d barely slept in three days, but anyway.

Roman had been asking to hang out a lot. Virgil never showed up. He was s _ cared shitless,  _ and he didn’t even really know why. Roman looked hurt  _ all the time,  _ and it made Virgil way sadder than it should have, but he just couldn’t. Roman made him feel weird and he hated it.

Virgil left his room. It was nearly midday, and someone was in the kitchen. Virgil felt his stomach gurgle - well, this was familiar. Was it worth it? Virgil prayed to every god that it wasn’t Roman making food.

And it wasn’t. It was Patton, making two sandwiches, humming as he spread mustard and cut cheese. Virgil stepped, and Patton spun around.

“Hey kiddo!” The cheerful personality smiled, “Want some lunch?”

“Uh, yeah. Thanks,” Virgil stood there awkwardly as Patton added another two slices of bread to his sandwich-making system.

“So,” Patton started in a serious tone.

“Am I about to get a lecture?” Virgil groaned. 

“Yes, you are,” Patton frowned, handing him a plate with his sandwich on it, pouting, “We’ve barely seen you for days, and Roman told me he keeps asking to have a playdate with you and you won’t come.”

“Jesus, don’t say that,” Virgil mumbled.

“Don’t say what, kid?” Patton cocked his head to one side.

“ _ Playdate,”  _ Virgil shuddered, “Gives me war flashbacks to third grade.”

“Sorry, Virgil,” Patton sighed, “But you really need to talk to him. He’s a bit upset.”

Fuck. If Patton was talking to him about it, he must have really fucked up.

“But-” Virgil’s throat was dry, “Patton, I’m-”

“Scared,” the fatherly personality realised, gently patting Virgil on the back, “I know, kiddo, it’s okay. Nothing’s gonna happen, you hear? He just wants to talk to you.”

“But  _ why?”  _ Virgil swallowed.

“He likes to talk to you,” Patton smiled, “We all do. We don’t know you as well as we should. That’s all.”

“That’s… that’s all?” For some reason, Virgil felt a vague sense of disappointment.

“Well,” Patton’s grin widened, nudging and winking at Virgil, “Maybe. Or maybe he likes you.”

“Very funny, Pat,” Virgil rolled his eyes, walking slowly to the living room, “Thanks for the sandwich.”

Patton stayed still for a second. 

“He called me  _ Pat, _ ” the personality fondly whispered, touched.

 

* * *

 

“Yo,” Virgil nodded at Logan, “You seen Roman?”

“No,” Logan said flatly, sitting straight as a board at the table.

“Okay…” Virgil sighed, “So you’re also mad at me. Great.”

“I’m not-” Logan sighed, “I’m not  _ mad  _ at you. Just- talk to Roman when you see him, and don’t chicken out, okay? It’s unsettling for him to be doing this.”

“Doing what, exactly?” Virgil took a bite of his sandwich.

Patton came out of the kitchen, placing another sandwich in front of Logan, and taking a seat next to the logical personality.

“Thank you,” Logan smiled at Patton, who went a little pink.

“Ugh, you two are so gross,” Virgil smirked.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Logan sipped the cup of coffee he’d made earlier.

“Sure,” Virgil raised his eyebrow.

“Coffee smells good,” Patton quickly interjected, “I might make some.”

“Since when do you drink coffee?” Virgil asked blankly.

“Why would I not drink coffee?” Patton asked confusedly.

“I dunno,” Virgil frowned, “I just thought you’d drink. Milkshakes. Or something.”

“I’m a  _ dad,”  _ Patton rolled his eyes, “I drink coffee, and wine. But not too much. I’m an adult.”

“Huh,” Virgil raised his eyebrows, shrugging, “I just drink Red Bull.”

“That’s not good for you,” Logan and Patton said in unison.

“Whatever,” Virgil took another bite of his lunch, “So, what was Princey doing?”

“He’s off fighting monsters for longer than usual, that’s all,” Logan said.

“Fighting monsters?” Virgil said, panicked.

“Yeah,” Patton smiled, “That’s my boy.”

“Couldn’t he, y’know, die?” Virgil asked incredulously.

“We don’t die until Thomas dies,” Logan pointed out.

“But what if he gets hurt? We can get hurt,” Virgil said anxiously.

“He won’t get hurt, don’t worry,” Patton said confidently, “He’s the prince. He’ll be fine.”

“Jesus Christ,” Virgil buried his head in his hands, “How are we part of the same person?”

“That’s a good question,” Logan piped up, “You see, it has to do with-”

“Rhetorical, Logan,” Virgil groaned.

“Oh.”

“Maybe an even better question would be,” Virgil smiled again, “How can you fall in love with yourself? It’s a little weird.”

Logan went stiff.

“I think Roman would be able to answer that!” Patton laughed.

“Again, not the answer I was looking for,” Virgil sighed. Those two were impossible.

 

* * *

 

Roman stumbled through the door and found himself in the dining room. How had he gotten here?

Oh, that’s right.

Virgil turned toward him, light igniting in the other personality’s eyes, hope, but an edge of fear. Roman drew his sword out and then sheathed it again. Logan looked confused for a moment, before realising where Roman had drawn his sword  _ from. _

“Oh my god,” Patton’s face was white as a sheet, and Virgil looked… more worried than usual, standing quickly and rushing toward him. The world titled and went black.

Hours later, Roman woke. He’d been drifting in and out, but now he fully opened his eyes.

“You’re awake,” Virgil stated. He looked to be the only one in the room.

Roman groaned, “What time is it?”

“It’s about three in the morning,” Virgil smiled slightly.

“Why are you awake?” Roman asked nervously.

“I have to look after you, obviously,” Virgil sighed, “Patton fell asleep so Logan carried him to bed.”

“Aw, cute,” Roman laughed, before wincing in pain.

“They’re so in love it’s disgusting, but yeah,” Virgil gave Roman a once-over, “You okay?”

“Yeah. Why do I hurt? What happened?” Roman asked.

“We were hoping you’d be able to tell us that, actually,” Virgil sighed again, “Patton looked like he saw a ghost when you first walked in.”

Roman remained silent and blank-faced.

“You really don’t remember anything, do you?” Virgil said concernedly, “Roman, you had your sword stuck through you. Don’t tell me a dragon stabbed you with your own sword.”

Roman groaned, “It was an evil witch, actually. I think.”

There was a pause.

“I’m sorry for avoiding you,” Virgil began, “I didn’t know what else to do.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” Roman smiled, staring at Virgil’s face. The other personality looked even more exhausted than he usually did.

“It’s not fine, but you will be. Just rest for a couple of days. And no more fighting witches, okay?” Virgil reprimanded.

“Okay,” Roman sighed, eyes sliding shut.

Virgil stood, about to leave the room. He’d have to turn the light off, though… or maybe he could just leave it on? Ah, whatever. He wasn’t gonna risk another anxiety attack.

He turned back to Roman’s now-peacefully-sleeping figure lying on the couch.

“Please don’t get hurt again,” Virgil whispered, turning and leaving.

__

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh this is such a messy fic but i'm enjoying it  
> i will finish it soon but i'm done for today


	3. for my roommate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil doesn't know what's going on, but everyone else does, apparently.

[ _another trip I won't remember_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjQkPLklovXAhVDspQKHfNhCCsQuAIIMDAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DKhccP7pNH3M&usg=AOvVaw1ZNmwh7LR1_rlAbAPJl8FO)

[ _or appreciate much when I'm dead_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjQkPLklovXAhVDspQKHfNhCCsQuAIIMDAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DKhccP7pNH3M&usg=AOvVaw1ZNmwh7LR1_rlAbAPJl8FO)

 

* * *

 

“Can we talk?” Roman said quietly to Patton.

“Sure thing, kiddo! Are you feeling better?” Patton replied loudly, turning to him.

“No, I meant. Away. From here,” Roman gave Patton a look.

“Oh. Of course,” Patton smiled, a little worried.

Logan and Virgil watched them leave. Thomas was hanging out with Joan and Talyn, so Virgil wasn’t doing much, just observing through Thomas’ eyes.

“What do you think they’re talking about?” Logan asked offhandedly.

“I dunno,” Virgil shrugged, “Why?”

“No reason,” Logan paused, “Do you think Roman and Patton are…”

“Are what?” Virgil frowned, a tiny smirk on his face.

“Nevermind,” Logan sighed, “It’s stupid.”

“Dude,” Virgil’s grin widened, “Holy shit, Logan. Are you _jealous?”_

“No. Of course not,” Logan laughed nervously, “What would I be jealous of?”

“Logan,” Virgil said, still smiling, “You like Patton. Patton _obviously_ likes you. Clearly you should date. It’s a little weird but whatever, you’re very different, even though you have the same face.”

Logan was silent.

“Jesus, imagine how weird the sex would be,” Virgil trailed off, and Logan went bright red.

“Virgil! No!” He exclaimed.

“Just sayin’.”

Another pause as Logan shook his head slowly.

“A whole new meaning to ‘go fuck yourself,’” Virgil giggled.

“Virgil,” Logan groaned.

 

* * *

 

“What’s on your mind?” Patton asked, a welcoming smile plastered on his face, but inside he was worried. Roman seemed distracted, and the regal personality was still wincing when he walked. Patton couldn’t seem to get the image of Roman’s sword stuck through the personality’s own torso out of his head.

“How did you know you liked Logan?” Roman asked, squinting a little.

“... Uh,” Patton paused, then sighed heavily. He guessed there was no point in trying to hide it or anything, everyone seemed to already know, except the person who he actually wanted to notice.

Or maybe Logan did know.

Patton had no idea.

“I dunno, kid!” He said brightly, forcing those thoughts out of his head, “I just… found myself wanting to spend more time with him. And help him with anything I could. That sort of thing.”

Roman glanced around, lost in thought.

“Is this about Virgil?” Patton asked teasingly.

“Ugh…” Roman rolled his eyes, blushing, “Maybe?”

“Just tell him,” Patton grinned, “He likes you back. It’s obvious.”

“I don’t think so,” Roman frowned, before puffing out his chest, “I consider myself an expert on love, and I don’t think Virgil… feels that. With me.”

Patton watched Roman deflate.

“Okay, I’ll concede that maybe…” Patton stopped, trying to figure out how to word what he was about to say, “Maybe he doesn’t realise it yet. I think that he does like you, but he just thinks it’s as a friend, you know?”

“I guess?” Roman was a little confused, but nodded.

“I think you just need to give him some time,” Patton smiled, “And some space.”

“Maybe I’ll watch Dr. Who with him, then,” Roman grinned.

“AYY!” Patton yelled, ruffling Roman’s hair, “That’s the spirit, son.”

Roman patted his hair back down, smiling, “Thanks, Dad.”

“Aw,” the moral personality held a hand to his chest, “I love it when you guys call me dad.”

“Well, actually, I think you want Logan to call you ‘daddy,’ but anyway,” Roman snickered.

“Oh, shut up, you.”

 

* * *

 

“Heyyy, Thomas,” Virgil smirked, “What’s up?”

“Hey Virgil,” Thomas sighed, “Not much. How about you?”

“Eh. Logan and Patton being lovebirds is the most exciting thing in my world,” Virgil groaned, “Or, your head, I guess.”

Thomas paused.

“Two of my personality traits… are dating?” He asked slowly.

“Well, they’re not dating _yet,_ but they obviously want to,” Virgil glanced at his nails, “I wish they’d hurry up. The tension is killing me.”

“You guys can do that?” Thomas asked, and Virgil glanced at him, confused.

“Date, I mean,” Thomas clarified.

“Well, yeah,” Virgil rolled his eyes, “Duh.”

“Huh,” Thomas smiled softly.

“What?” Virgil narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

“Nothing, it’s just that actually makes a lot of sense,” Thomas nodded, “Like how you and Princey are always flirting, now I know why-”

“Woah!” Virgil blushed slightly, “No. Roman and I are not dating. No.”

“First name basis, huh?” Thomas nudged him.

“Jesus, no,” Virgil groaned, “Besides, Princey probably wants to date some fairy princess.”

“Sure,” Thomas smiled, before biting his lip, “Wait, so. Are my personalities gonna screw?”

“As long as they’re in Logic’s room, not Patton’s, then yeah, probably,” Virgil nodded.

“You guys have rooms?” Thomas frowned.

“Yes,” Virgil said, as if it was obvious, “And Patton’s is right next to mine, so I’d rather not.”

“That’s so unsettling,” Thomas’ eyes widened, “And weird. But like, they’d make a cute couple.”

“I guess,” Virgil smiled a little. They would be a cute couple.

“Just like you and a certain royal,” Thomas laughed.

“Stop!” Virgil pleaded, “We’re just friends, I swear.”

 _“We’re just friends, I swear!”_ Thomas mocked, “Sure, dude. Anyways, I’m gonna catch some z’s.”

“Oh, shit, uh, yep. Bye!” Virgil said, quickly leaving.

“Yeah, don’t stick around or anything,” Thomas huffed, but there was a smile on his face.

 

* * *

 

“Are you alright?” Virgil asked, worried, as he popped up next to Roman.

“Y-yeah,” Roman said, breathing erratic.

Virgil immediately realised what was happening. He didn’t know why, or even how, but he kneeled down next to the royal.

“You’re safe, okay? Do you need me to get someone else or do you want me to stay here?” He asked.

“Stay,” Roman whispered, “Please.”

“Okay,” Virgil smiled, “I want you to take a deep breath for me, and then slowly exhale. Can you do that?”

“Okay,” Roman tried, hands shaking.

Virgil felt his stomach knot. He wasn’t doing this right, he was sure of that. There was something wrong, oh god- NO. Now was not the time to freak out. Someone needs help. Get your shit together, Virgil.

“Alright,” Virgil took a deep breath himself, “Can you do something for me? I want you to count five things you can see. Can you do that?”

“I don’t know!” Roman pulled at his hair.

Bad move. Fuck.

“That’s okay,” Virgil nodded, “That’s okay. Hey. Roman?”

“What?” The royal asked, tears welling up in his eyes.

“You’re safe,” Virgil whispered, “No one’s gonna hurt you.”

“Okay,” A few more tears slipped down Roman’s cheeks.

“Do you want to go to your room? Or mine?” Virgil asked after a few seconds had passed.

“Yes,” Roman nodded shakily, “Yours.”

Okay. He didn’t want to be in his own room, that’s fine, that’s cool. But now you have to share your space, what if he finds something weird-

Virgil edged a little closer to the other personality, taking his hand.

“Come on,” he smiled encouragingly, standing up, “I promise I won’t make you listen to my emo music.”

Roman laughed a little.

“I wouldn’t mind.”

 

* * *

 

Virgil opened his door and lead Roman over to his bed, sitting the other personality on it, and then taking a seat on his desk chair.

“How are you feeling?” Virgil asked.

“A bit better…” Roman sighed, glancing around at the things in the room. Virgil shifted uncomfortably.

“I’ve never been in here before,” Roman finally finished.

The room was painted in neutral greys, as were the blankets on Virgil’s bed - except the top one, which was black.

Suddenly all the lights went off - _fuck,_ Virgil thought, _that’s right, Thomas was going to bed._

Virgil felt shapes warp in the dark, saw something sitting on his bed, what was it?

“Oh, no,” the thing remarked, leaning and switching on Virgil’s bedside lamp. It was just Roman, everything was fine. Virgil took a deep breath. He had to stick himself together for Roman.

“Sorry,” Virgil sighed, tucking his shaking, sweaty hands behind his back, “So. Did you want to talk about it?”

“No, it’s fine,” Roman brushed himself down, seemingly back to his slightly arrogant and overly-independent self, “It was pretty dumb to have- whatever that reaction was over it.”

“It’s not dumb,” Virgil laughed lightly, bringing a hand to his face.

“Are you laughing at me?” Roman asked, slightly miffed.

“What?” Virgil grinned, “No. I have anxiety attacks over stupid shit sometimes, okay? I’m definitely not laughing at you.”

Roman paused.

“What are anxiety attacks like?” He asked.

Virgil raised an eyebrow.

“Um,” the darker personality began, “Well, I think you just had one.”

“No, no- that. That couldn’t have been an anxiety attack,” Roman shook his head, smiling worriedly, “The rest of us can’t have those. Right?”

For some reason, the way the royal said it hurt Virgil.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Virgil growled.

“Nothing! Just that, I thought we couldn’t have those,” Roman looked really scared now.

Virgil sighed. Roman was just afraid of having another one. That’s all this was. He didn’t mean anything by it.

“Well, I think that was what it was,” Virgil looked at the floor, “But maybe not. I dunno.”

“Okay,” Roman bit his lip, “Virgil-”

“Yeah?”

“Can I hug you?”

Virgil froze.

“Why?”

“Uh…” Roman scrambled for a suitable answer, “You look soft?”

Virgil smirked, “You’re impossible, you know that?”

“Yes.”

“C’mere.”

Virgil wrapped his arms around Roman as the other personality approached.

“How are you taller than me?” Roman complained, “Aren’t we the same person?”

“Ah yes,” Virgil giggled, “Because we’re oh-so-similar.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ye bois  
> leave me a comment/kudos if you enjoyed this chapter!!  
> ALSO OKAY WHAT THE FUCK Y'ALL i had to look up what americans call like the top heavy thing on a bed? in britain they call them duvets i think but in australia we call them doonas? anyways have a nice day


	4. rapture in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil is tired of Logan and Patton, Patton is tired of not knowing things, Logan is tired of being incapable. Roman is just really tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title and lyrics are from 'bite' by troye sivan

[i'm pulling on your heart to push my luck](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLuWMOF6vOU)

 

* * *

 

He was going to die alone - that's what he'd being thinking about earlier, when he’d… freaked out a little. He was feeling better now, of course, after Virgil hugging him, blushing, and shoving him out of his room. It was cute. And totally worth it.

Virgil was so _warm?_ Roman had expected the other personality to be bony, cold. But he wasn't. In his bulky, vaguely oversized hoodie, Virgil was probably the most enjoyable one out of the group to hug. Even though he was taller than the royal (again, how?).

Roman could feel how skinny the other personality was, though - it was almost like you could break the lanky personality in half.

Even after the calming and cosy hug, even after Roman was back in his own room, the thought of being alone was still eating away at him. Virgil didn't feel the same way about him.

With Logan and Patton _clearly_ made for eachother, Virgil was going to be perfectly happy on his own, without Roman. And the royal understood that, that was totally fine, he couldn't force Virgil to like him. But...

Roman thought that _he_ was going to be the one who found love first. Wasn't he the charismatic one? The cool one? The one everyone loved?

Apparently not.

Roman swung his door open, only to be greeted with Patton nervously raising his hand to knock.

 

* * *

 

Knock.

Knock, knock.

“Who is it? It’s like eleven,” Virgil groaned, looking up from his laptop. The door swung open, revealing a pale-faced Logan.

“Are you alright?” Virgil asked, sitting up straighter.

“I fucked up,” Logan whispered.

“Oh no,” Virgil sighed, “What happened?”

“Patton kissed me,” Logan replied, eyes wide.

“Dude! What?” Virgil grinned, “That’s great!”

“Then he left and he didn’t say anything and I left and _shit,_ I fucked up,” Logan cried, shutting the door behind him and sitting on the floor.

“Oh,” Virgil stated, “Why? Did he leave? What happened?”

“Well, he just kissed me! And I- I didn’t really know what to do, and I didn’t know where to put my hands-”

“Did you _want_ him to kiss you?” Virgil interrupted.

“Well, I mean, yes. But, I wasn’t really expecting it, I thought it was a joke,” Logan sighed.

“You thought what was a joke?” Virgil frowned, before nodding, “You thought all of it was a joke? Patton liking you, and us teasing you about it?”

“Yes,” Logan affirmed quietly.

“Logan,” Virgil whispered, “I’m sorry. You didn’t kiss him back, did you?”

“No,” came another quiet answer.

“You have to tell him.”

“Tell him what?” Logan questioned.

“You have to tell him you like him, otherwise he’ll think you don’t, and he’ll be upset,” Virgil hissed, “And Patton upset is not something I like, so you’re gonna make this right, okay?”

“Are you… are you angry at me?” Logan’s chest tightened and he shrank a little.

“No, but I will be if you don’t fix this,” Virgil frowned.

“Okay,” Logan cast his eyes down to the floor before standing and flicking his gaze up again. This time, he looked more determined than scared, although a little nervous.

“Go, go,” Virgil shooed him out, “I have fanfiction to finish writing.”

“It better not have plot holes,” Logan said flatly.

“I’ll try my hardest, Mr Logic,” Virgil rolled his eyes, shutting his door as he pushed Logan out.

He heaved a heavy sigh. Finally, those two would get together.

He _really_ hoped they didn’t fuck next door.

 

* * *

 

“Hi,” Roman frowned confusedly at Patton.

“He doesn’t like me,” Patton blurted out.

“Yes he does,” Roman replied automatically, “What happened?”

“I-”

“Patton?” Came a voice from down the hall, followed by the thump of footsteps in the dark.

“Logan?” Roman squinted. Patton fidgeted.

“I’m sorry,” Logan panted, “I do like you, a lot, I was just in shock, sorry. Can I, uh. Try again?”

Roman spun on his heel as Logan stepped closer, taking Patton’s hand. He thought they should have some privacy. Nevertheless, when they were still kissing awkwardly just outside his room ten minutes later, he threw the door open once again.

“Friends, congratulations,” Roman sighed, “I was originally going to get some cereal but you’re blocking my door.”

“Oh,” Patton flushed, “Sorry.” He began to lead a rather stunned Logan back to his room.

“Uh uh,” Roman shook his head, “Go to Logan’s room, or I suspect Virgil will blast MCR through your wall at 3 AM.”

“We’re not gonna-” Patton paused, glancing at Logan, “I mean, are we?”

“I don’t… think so?” Logan said hesitantly.

“Better safe than sorry,” Roman chuckled, “Have fun, boys.”

The royal made his way to the kitchen, alone. The dark was all around him, but he wasn’t afraid. His mind was otherwise occupied.

He wasn’t hungry.

He was tired.

But he knew that he’d get back to his room and end up staring at the ceiling for hours before he got to sleep, sad and disappointed thoughts jostling around in his mind.

His feet moved, and he found himself at Virgil’s door, so he knocked.

“Logan, I swear to god,” came the voice through the door, “I’m actually trying to sleep for once-”

“It’s not Logan,” Roman interjected, “Sorry for waking you, I’ll go.” He started to walk back to his room.

“Wait,” Virgil opened the door, “What? What’s up?”

“I… don’t know,” Roman sighed, “It’s fine, go back to bed.”

Virgil frowned, before raising an eyebrow.

“Can’t sleep?” He asked.

“Something like that,” Roman smiled.

Virgil paused.

“Wanna get drunk?”

Roman froze.

 _What no of course not that sounds like a horrible idea,_ is what he meant, but what actually came out of his mouth was: “Yes.”

“Great. Vodka okay?” Virgil flicked the hallway light on, sighing in relief as the shadows around the hall melted away.

“Yeah, I hate vodka,” Roman nodded, “I’m so. Tired.”

Virgil rolled his eyes, grabbing Roman’s shoulders and guiding him onto Virgil’s bed. Roman was out as soon as his head hit the pillow.

“Nerd,” Virgil whispered fondly. Maybe he’d save getting smashed for another time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes so this chapter is quite short but there's another one coming asap so  
> forgive me babes  
> prq out


	5. heroes fading

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i think this calls for a celebration" is never a good idea tbh

[i'll blow my brains out to the radio](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0DjcsK_-HY)

 

* * *

 

“Good morning,” Virgil smirked.

“Uh,” Roman responded eloquently, “This is… your room?”

“Wow, well done,” Virgil laughed sarcastically, “Yeah, this is my room.”

“Why?” Roman asked blankly.

“Why are you here?” Virgil smiled, “You don’t remember?”

Roman squinted, thinking hard. He remembered…

“Oh my god, Logan and Patton,” he groaned.

“Yeah, there is that,” Virgil nodded, tapping away at his laptop.

“Wait,” Roman paused, “I agreed to get drunk. What was I thinking? Oh my god, we didn’t… _do anything,_ while I was inebriated, right?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Virgil laughed, “Princey, you didn’t _get_ drunk. Inebriated… wow, that’s hilarious.”

“Oh. So… what happened then? Why am I in your bed?” Roman asked worriedly.

“You came to my room and passed out, pretty much,” Virgil blew a bubble with the gum in his mouth.

“I was pretty tired,” Roman closed his eyes for a moment, sliding half off the bed so that he was hanging upside-down.

“Hey,” Virgil stood over him.

“Don’t judge me,” Roman groaned.

“I’m not judging you,” Virgil smiled softly, “But why were you so tired? Have you not been getting enough sleep?”

“I’ve been… thinking about stuff,” Roman said, avoiding Virgil’s eyes. He didn’t want to look into them, because then he might just spill everything, and that probably wasn’t a good idea.

“Stuff?” Virgil sat down, cross-legged, just in front of Roman’s head.

“Ugh,” Roman groaned.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Virgil sighed, “I’m just… worried about you.”

“You?” Roman laughed, “Worried? Never.”

Virgil rolled his eyes, “It’s more likely than you think.”

 

* * *

 

“So… did they get together yet?” Thomas asked Roman.

“Huh? Oh, Logan and Patton?” Roman enquired, and Thomas nodded, “Yes, I believe so.”

“And you and Virgil?”

“What?” Roman asked, shocked, “Who-”

“It’s pretty obvious you like him, Princey,” Thomas giggled.

“Oh, my goodness,” Roman felt himself going red, “This is all so ridiculous, honestly, we’re like a bunch of schoolboys.”

The pair were sitting in Thomas’ living room, waiting for the next Steven Universe episode to load. Logan and Patton were playing chess in the hallway (Thomas had told them to move their game several times). Virgil was nowhere to be seen, probably lurking in Thomas’ subconscious while finishing his fanfiction.

“Well you have a _crush,_ Roman,” Thomas laughed, “You’re the one acting like a schoolboy.”

“I don’t have a crush on Virgil,” Roman sighed, “And even if I did - which I don’t - he wouldn’t like me back.”

“Maybe,” Thomas shrugged, “But maybe he would.”

“Do you know?” Roman asked, immediately suspicious.

“Know what?” Thomas replied.

“Know if he likes me or not,” Roman probed.

“Honestly?” Thomas sighed, “I have no idea. One minute it seems like he likes you, and the next it seems like he just thinks of you as a friend. I have a pretty good gaydar, but I really don’t know on this one.”

“Great,” Roman’s shoulders sagged, “Virgil did-”

“I did what?” Came a familiar voice from behind them.

“Shit!” Thomas cried, “Jesus _Christ!”_

“Sorry,” Virgil laughed.

“How much of that conversation did you hear?” Roman asked, panicked.

“Just you looking depressed, and saying ‘great’, with what I suspect was sarcasm. You’ve been spending too much time around me, you’re losing your inflated sense of self-importance and your flowery vocabulary,” Virgil plonked himself down on the couch in between Thomas and Roman.

“I…” Roman paused, “Don’t know how to take that.”

“So you two have been _spending time_ with each other, huh?” Thomas grinned, his tone suggestive.

Virgil glared at him.

“Moving on,” Roman tilted his chin up slightly, “Virgil offered to get drunk with me.”

“What?” Thomas’ eyes widened, “You guys can get drunk?”

“Who’s getting drunk?!” Came Patton worried voice from the hall.

“Virgil and Roman, apparently,” Thomas called back.

There was a loud cry of victory, a sigh of ‘damn’, and then Patton came rushing into the living room.

“Logan always wins at chess,” Patton said disappointedly.

“But anyway, you two,” he pointed at Virgil and Roman, “Better drink responsibly. I don’t want to have to clean up when you throw up.”

“We will, Dad,” Virgil grinned.

“Wait, are we actually doing this?” Roman asked.

“I can be the sober friend,” Virgil offered.

“You want me to get drunk while you watch?” Roman frowned.

“Well, when you put it like that,” Virgil trailed off before starting again, “I don’t really like drinking. It makes me anxious. I don’t know why I offered, honestly.”

“I’ll get drunk,” Logan suddenly offered from behind the couch.

“Oh my god,” Thomas said, shaking his head.

Patton took a breath, “So will I, then.”

“Drunk Dad. Drunk other stricter Dad. Drunk Prince,” Virgil nodded, “I can deal with that.”

“I have no faith in myself anymore,” Thomas groaned.

“Get used to it, buddy,” Virgil slapped him on the back.

 

* * *

 

_‘Are we really doing this?’_ Thought Virgil, _‘This was such a bad idea.’_

“Having second thoughts?” Patton nudged the anxious personality who was already running everything that could go wrong through his head.

“A little,” Virgil nodded shakily.

“Hey,” Patton held Virgil’s shoulders as he stood in front of him, “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. You do own the alcohol, after all. By the way, how did you get that?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Virgil shook his head, “Plus, You can just ask Logan, apparently.” The logical personality had just walked into the living room with a six-pack of beer.

“We can still stop this,” Patton told him, very obviously checking Logan out.

Virgil laughed at Logan’s ‘relaxed’ outfit - exactly the same, just without the tie.

“I’ll be fine,” Virgil gave Patton a confident smile, “It’s not like I’m drinking anything.”

“Nothing?” Patton smirked, “Not even a little bit? You can have a sip, son. It’s not illegal.”

“No,” Virgil glared.

“That’s the right answer!” Patton clapped his hands together, “If you agree to be the sober friend, you have to _stay sober!”_

“I already hate this,” Virgil sighed tiredly.

 

* * *

 

“I am just…  _ loving _ the sick beats,” Roman cried as another song began playing off… someone’s phone.

“Wait, whose phone is this?” He frowned at it.

“It’s Thomas’,” Virgil smiled, steadying the royal as he threatened to fall over, “None of you like my music, and none of you have good party music, so he gave me his.”

“Thomas  _ gave  _ you his phone?” Roman said, surprised.

“He leant it to me,” Virgil smirked, “Without knowing. It’ll be back by the morning.”

“That’s… stealing,” Roman said indignantly, sloppily pointing a finger at his companion.

“It’s borrowing,” Virgil laughed, “Oh my god, you’re so drunk.”

“I am not drugged! Unless Logan put something in my drink, that sneaky man,” Roman narrowed his eyes, “Unless you said drunk, in which case, yes. Hammered.”

“Okay,” Virgil rolled his eyes, “Bedtime for you, Prince Roman.”

“You could… come with,” Roman wiggled his eyebrows, “You’re really hot, you know that.”

“We are nearly identical,” Virgil replied flatly.

_ “Nearly!”  _ Roman cried, “Except you’re  _ taller than me!” _

“Yep,” Replied Virgil, popping the ‘p’.

“It’s not fair,” Roman sulked, sounding like a little child, before changing his tone completely, “But it’s kind of nice.”

“Stop flirting,” Virgil groaned, “I know you don’t mean any of it. Now help me get you to your room, or I’ll drop you one the floor right now and leave you here till morning.”

Roman was silent until Virgil pushed open the door to his room and guided him to his bed. Roman’s room was made of grey stone, art stuck with blue-tack to the walls, with a grand bed in the centre.

“What do you mean, I don’t mean any of it,” Roman asked quietly, sitting on the bed and groaning slightly, clutching at his head.

“Don’t tell me you’re secretly an emotional drunk,” Virgil sighed.

“I  _ do  _ mean it,” Roman insisted.

“Listen, dude,” Virgil paused, catching sight of the other door in Roman’s room, “I appreciate the joke, but it’s getting old now, okay? You won’t remember any of this in the morning. Go to bed.”

“It’s not a joke,” Roman whispered.

“Shut  _ up,”  _ Virgil shook his head, scowling, “And just sleep. And pray that no dragons come through that other door.”

Virgil left the room.


	6. every fist is clenched but i'm so tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> something's wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my babies are all so emotionally unstable

[ _goodbye my friends,_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dwG4UT7JNs)

[ _goodbye to the money,_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dwG4UT7JNs)

[ _adieu to the fuckers that think that it's funny,_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dwG4UT7JNs)

[ _i just wanna turn the lights on,_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dwG4UT7JNs)

[ _in these volatile times…_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dwG4UT7JNs)

 

* * *

 

“Hey- oh, Jesus, put some clothes on-”

“Virgil?!”

“Thomas wants us to come film a video, can one of you wake up Roman please?”

“Why are you in my room?”

“I had to wake you up, put on a fucking shirt!”

“Huh?”

“Is that- is that Patton? Oh my _god-”_

“GET OUT OF MY ROOM!”

Virgil slammed the door shut and stood in the hallway. He needed to scrub his brain clean now.

He concentrated, popping up next to Thomas and in front of the camera.

“Hey,” Thomas nodded, checking the lighting, “Where are the others?”

“I… don’t know how great they’ll be to film a video with today,” Virgil said hesitantly, “They’re all hungover.”

“Oh,” Thomas sighed, “Right.”

“By the way,” Virgil smirked, “Here’s your phone. You leant it to me last night.”

“Oh, I did, did I?” Thomas rolled his eyes as Virgil stuck his tongue out.

“How did things go with two drunk dads and a drunk prince?” Thomas asked.

“It went alright,” Virgil said quietly, “Roman tried to flirt with me, which was… funny.”

“Funny?” Thomas raised an eyebrow.

“I know he doesn’t like me like that,” Virgil groaned.

“No, actually, you don’t,” Thomas reminded Virgil gently.

“He _doesn’t_ ,” Virgil repeated firmly, “And neither do I. And even if he did like me, I couldn’t do that.”

“Do what?” Thomas frowned.

“A relationship, Thomas!” Virgil cried, “Remember how you always overthought everything and felt anxious about your relationships? That was me. Imagine _me_ in a relationship.”

“I guess I see your point,” Thomas sighed, “But you shouldn’t-”

“Shouldn’t what?” Virgil hissed harshly, “‘Let my anxiety hold me back?’ Thomas, I _am_ anxiety. That’s what I’m _made_ of. Sure, things have been a little different recently, but that’s still who I am.”

“Virgil.”

“I don’t like Roman, he doesn’t like me-”

“Virgil!”

“It’s never going to happen and even though Logan and Patton are together now and that’s great it’s not gonna happen with me and Roman-”

“VIRGIL!”

“... What?”

“Shut up. I need to film a video today and if the rest of them don’t show up then so be it, but I need you. Okay?” Thomas stated.

“Fine.”

 

* * *

 

“Well, nice of you to show up,” Thomas raised his eyebrows, “Are the others coming?”

“There’s…” Logan began, who had just recently popped up, “There’s something wrong.”

“What do you mean, wrong?” Virgil said, cold shivers running down the length of his spine. Was Patton okay?

Was Roman?

“Roman won’t wake up,” Logan said, pale-faced and seemingly in shock.

“Oh god,” Virgil quickly sank down, adding, “Bring Thomas down.”

Logan grabbed Thomas’ forearm, dragging him down.

“Hang on, I thought-” Thomas blinked as he reappeared in… his living room, just as it was before.

“I thought that I had to… think of stuff…” Thomas remarked, glancing around in confusion.

“Just for individual rooms,” Logan straightened his tie, “This is our common area.”

“Right.”

“Roman?” Virgil shouted from down the hall.

“This way,” Logan beckoned, briskly walking through the house.

“Wait, this isn’t… this is wrong,” Thomas frowned. Things were in the wrong place, and there were extra doors and halls.

“It’s a little different to your actual house, of course,” Logan re-straightened his tie and adjusted his glasses, “It has to accommodate all of us. Virgil and Patton’s rooms are that way, mine is to the left, and this… is Roman’s.”

The logical personality paused in front of an ornate oak door, contrasting with the rest of the house, and pushed it open.

The pair were greeted with a terrible sight: Patton anxiously standing over Roman, eyebrows knitted together, and Virgil curled into a ball on the floor, shaking.

“Fuck,” Thomas breathed quietly, “No, I can't be here.”

“What do you mean, you can't be here?” Logan demanded, “We might need you!”

Thomas felt the anxiety building inside him, the urge to throw up incredibly powerful.

“Thomas?” Patton spun around, “No, you shouldn't be here. Logan, get him out.”

“But-” Logan began.

“Out, teach,” Patton growled.

“Sorry,” Logan whispered, grabbing Thomas’ hand.

 

* * *

 

“This is my fault, this is- _shit!”_ Virgil clawed at his hair, his eyes, “I fucked up!”

“Kiddo,” Patton crouched down next to the ball that was Virgil, “How could this possibly be your fault?”

“I told him to shut up, what if he thought I hated him, Dad, what if he did something _really bad?”_ Virgil’s eyes were brimming with tears as he looked up at Patton.

“No, no,” Patton shook his head, rubbing Virgil’s back gently, “I’m sure it's nothing like that. Maybe he just has a fever. Maybe he's just _really_ hungover. We’ll get Logan to take at look at him, he'll know what's going on.”

The logical personality returned soon enough, approaching the Prince’s bed. Virgil was curled in a corner, headphones on and hood over his head.

“So, what’s wrong with him?” Patton asked after a couple of minutes of Logan looking over Roman’s unconscious body. “And don't freak out the kid,” the paternal trait added.

“He’s… asleep,” Logan frowned, “I want to say a… a coma, but it just doesn't seem possible. What could have caused it? There's no outward trauma.”

“Is he going to wake up?” Patton asked worriedly.

“Honestly?” Logan asked, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I don't know-”

“Oh, you don't know?” Patton pleaded, “That's all you have.”

“I’m _sorry,”_ Logan begged, “I’m sorry.”

Patton paused, “It's fine. It's not your fault. I know you're doing your best.”

Patton leaned over, putting his arm around Logan, hand resting on his hip. Logan rested his head on the other’s shoulder.

“Listen,” Virgil piped up from the corner of the room, “You two are cute and everything, but can you keep me in the loop?”

“I don't know why he hasn't woken up,” Logan sighed, straightening his tie a third time, “I’ll do some research. Weird shit happens to us all the time though. It could be to do with Thomas or something happening within his subconscious, or something else entirely.”

 

* * *

 

The next few days were filled with Logic tapping away at his laptop, venturing into Thomas’ subconcsious to get information. If Virgil had to give the guy something, it was that he was pretty damn determined. This stretch was punctuated by Patton giving Logan cups of coffee and forehead kisses. Virgil only saw a little of this, though, because most of the time he was sitting alone in Roman’s room.

“I’m gonna fix this,” Virgil whispered, standing over his sleeping counterpart, “Ever since you called me by my name for the very first time, I thought maybe I could find a friend in you. Logan and I get on on pretty well, Patton’s so kind, but you were such an enigma, you know? You’re fun to spend time with, watching Disney movies or whatever else happens to be on. You remember that shitty sci-fi show we started watching?”

Virgil laughed lightly, “The plot line went downhill. Remember when I was avoiding you for days because I didn't want to hang out with you? God, I was so dumb.”

Virgil paused again, sitting on the edge of the royal’s huge bed.

“Please wake up,” the darker personality whispered, “There has to be something that can wake you up. I’ll find it.”

He shot a look towards the other door in Roman’s room.

“There has to be _something.”_

 

* * *

 

That night, Virgil lay in his cold bed and stared at the ceiling. Why did he care so much about Roman? Why did he feel so empty? It wasn't like he _liked-_

 

Oh.

  
  


_Oh._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay


	7. my heart's mistaken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil's up and gone while Roman's still asleep, Logan needs to cut back on caffeine and Patton deserves all the good in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this is gonna be... sad? maybe? don't really know for sure  
> lyrics from troye sivan's heaven  
> 

[ _the truth runs wild,_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VNV__mV38s)

[ _like kids on concrete,_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VNV__mV38s)

[ _trying to sedate my mind in its cage and numb what i see_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VNV__mV38s)

 

* * *

 

Virgil felt a warm feeling spread throughout his body. This actually made so much sense now, why Roman made him feel so nervous, but not anxious nervous - _good_ nervous, if that was even possible. Which was crazy. It explained why he was so worried about him. It explained why Virgil had agreed to hang out with him and then dramatically backed out of it.

Along with the warm feeling came sickness.

Virgil had made a huge mistake. What Roman had said when he was… tipsy, none of it had been true. That was Roman acting as his _fanciful_ and _ridiculous_ self. Virgil was going to spend the rest of Thomas’ lifetime silently pining after a stupid, grinning, singing Prince, all the while surrounded by Logan and Patton being sappy lovebirds. Eventually Thomas would find someone and settle down and Virgil would just be a lovesick idiot stuck inside Thomas’ head.

Clearly, the only solution was to fall out of love. He needed to hate Roman, or at least dislike him. Should be easy, Virgil thought, considering how far Roman’s head is up his own ass. But recently, Roman had been less… shiny. Virgil liked that.

Fuck, he couldn't hate a sleeping person, an _unconscious_ person.

Step one: wake him up.

 

* * *

 

“Have you seen Virgil?” Patton murmured.

“No.”

“Lo-”

“I am _trying_ to find something that’s going to help Roman. Please just… leave me to my work.”

Patton swallowed, looking down. “You need to rest. You need to eat something, and drink something other than coffee.”

Logan took a deep breath, closing the lid of his laptop and pushing his glasses onto the top of his head. He rubbed his eyes, exhausted.

“I just want him to wake up,” Logan whispered, “I know I used to say that I didn’t care about anything, that feelings were gross, but then you…”

He looked up into Patton’s eyes, “You happened. And I realised that sometimes feelings _are_ perfectly logical. And now, if Roman doesn’t wake up- Pat, we don’t even know what’s _wrong_ with him.”

Patton sighed, taking a seat next to Logan. He took Logan’s hand, running his thumb along it.

“I know how hard you’ve been working to figure this out,” Patton put his other hand on Logan’s forearm comfortingly, “But both of you passed out won’t help anyone. Can you come to Roman’s room with me? I don’t think Virgil’s eaten at all today.”

“It’s 3PM,” Logan frowned.

“Exactly.”

 

* * *

 

“Virgil?” Logan narrowed his eyes as he stepped into the room. Something didn’t add up.

“Oh. He must be in his room,” Patton shrugged, turning on his heel and heading towards the darker personality’s room.

“I didn’t hear him leave here…” Logan murmured, closing the door.

Patton knocked on Virgil’s door.

“Hey, kiddo?” The fatherly side enquired, “Have you eaten anything yet?”

No answer.

Patton began to turn the knob.

“Uh-” Logan began, his voice stopping Patton for a moment, “Is that a good idea?”

“He’s not a serial killer,” Patton laughed, rolling his eyes and opening the door.

While all the rooms had different decor, they were essentially copies of Thomas’ bedroom. Each of the personality traits’ rooms had a door leading to their personalised replica of Thomas’ household, and the front door that lead to the outside in the real world, in each of the four personality’s houses, lead to _their_ worlds.

Roman’s front door lead to his kingdom, dragons and castles and witches galore. Logan’s lead to a school science lab, which was interesting, but kind of made sense. Patton’s lead to a suburban street, not unlike Thomas’ own, but slightly different. More concrete. More palms. Florida, amplified.

Anxiety had placed a table in front of his front door. No one in, and definitely no one out - he did _not_ want to know what was out there.

But as Patton opened the door, he instinctively knew something was wrong.

“Virgil?”

There was no one there.

 

* * *

 

Virgil felt weird. Scared. It wasn’t his normal anxiety, it was like he was sure there were monsters around every corner (although, considering where he was, that was quite possible). And he kept dreaming up these horrible things, terrible- ah. So that was the byproduct of this environment for him… an overactive imagination.

Virgil was walking, hands in the pockets of his dark hoodie, through Roman’s magical kingdom. He didn’t really, _fully_ know what he was doing, but it was worth a shot, right? Now he just had to find that evil witch and hope she wasn’t dead.

 

* * *

 

“Where do you think he went?” Patton bit his lip worriedly, trying to look on the bright side. It was… challenging - Roman was in a coma and Virgil was _missing._

“Well, he clearly didn't leave through his door. I don't think that desk has been moved in years,” Logan pursed his lips, having checked Anxiety’s version of the house, “And he wouldn't have left the common house. Did you check with Thomas?”

“Yes, and I think I stressed him out even more. He seemed really jumpy,” Patton sighed, “He hasn't seen Virgil in a couple of days.”

“When was the last time _we_ saw him?” Logan frowned.

“Uh. I didn't even see him at breakfast this morning, actually,” Patton’s eyes widened, “Oh, god. How long has he been gone?”

“It’s okay,” Logan grabbed Patton’s hands, pulling him close and wrapping his arms around the other, “Hey. He’s going to be fine.”

They stayed like that for a moment, Patton’s eyes shut, before Logan gasped.

“Roman!”

“What?” Patton whipped around, “Where?”

“No, no!” Logan flapped his arms a little, reminding Patton of himself, “Roman was stabbed, he said it was a witch, right?”

“Yeah…?” Patton narrowed his eyes in confusion.

“What if that has something to do with this?” Logan continued, “What if the witch somehow… _poisoned_ Roman, and it only just affected him?”

“I mean, that makes sense. Probably more than…” Patton picked up one of the many sheet of paper lying on the table, on which Logan had just messily scrawled ‘aliens?’.

“Um. Yes,” Logan snatched the paper, crumpling it into a ball, “Not one of my best theories.”

“That doesn't explain where Virgil went, though,” Patton gave Logan an expectant look.

Logan beamed.

“Aha!” He exclaimed, “But it does! Virgil, possibly figuring this out, and being like he is, probably ventured into Roman’s kingdom alone to find a magical remedy for the Prince’s condition.”

Patton paled. While he was proud of his boyfriend for drawing a… logical conclusion, that meant…

“Are you telling me that Virgil is in Roman’s _kingdom,_ the _most extreme creative environment he can be in,_ **_alone?”_ **

“Ah. Yes. There is that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)  
> next chapter is gonna be a bonus chapter of sorts.you'll see why. i'm uploading it straight after this one (it's already written).


	8. heart stain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He'll wake up, but what will be waiting for him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my poor son. bad shit is gonna happen. trigger warning for self harm

[as the smile fell from your face i fell with it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvxWvQlLz1U)

 

* * *

 

Virgil slammed the door open, breathing heavily, trying to calm himself down and breathe slowly. He closed the door and slumped to the floor, pulling out two vials of the poison, placing them in front of him, and curling into a ball.

“Uh,” came Logan’s voice, “Hello, Virgil.”

Virgil just groaned.

“You were out there for a long time,” Patton said worriedly, “We were about to go look for you out there. What happened?”

The fatherly personality noticed the blood on the edge of Virgil’s checkerboard sneakers.

“Oh my god,” Patton simply pointed at the shoes, “Oh my god, Virgil, IS THAT BLOOD?!”

“Dude,” Virgil breathed, “Chill.”

“Don’t tell me to _chill,_ young man!” Patton shrieked, “You go missing for a day and come back with… whatever those are, and you’ve got blood on you- you- YOU HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!”

“Pat,” Logan, placed his hand on Patton’s back, “It’s okay. He’s back now. He’s fine.”

Patton made a strangled noise and sat down on the floor with a thump.

There was silence for a few seconds before Virgil simply stated: “Antidote.”

Logan’s eyes widened.

“Wait, so. Is that the antidote, or?” The logical personality fumbled.

“That’s the poison,” Virgil groaned, pulling a crumpled and ripped piece of paper from his hoodie, “This is how you make the antidote. Okay?”

“Where did you get this?” Logan asked, gently taking the paper from Virgil. Patton glanced at it with interest.

“A cave.”

“A cave?”

“Yeah.”

 

* * *

 

“I’ve never heard of an antidote being made this way before,” Logan frowned, “Actually, this looks like bullshit to me.”

“Well, it came from Roman’s kingdom, what do you expect?” Virgil rolled his eyes, wrapped in a blanket that was pulled over his head like a hood, holding a cup of warm hot chocolate.

“So, you went into Roman’s kingdom and just… _found_ the witch, the one that happened to be the one who stabbed Roman?” Logan frowned.

“Yes?” Virgil glared.

“Nice!” Patton exclaimed, holding his hand high, “Up top!”

Virgil gave him a blank look.

“Fist bump? No? Okay,” Patton left his arm to hang at his side, “Really though, kid. You okay?”

“Yeah,” Virgil nodded.

He was lying.

 

* * *

 

Logan followed the instructions to a T, and in about a day, they had an antidote to Roman’s condition. And now, Logan and Patton were in Roman’s room, waiting to administer it.

“Are you sure this will work?” Patton asked worriedly.

“No,” Logan answered truthfully, “Honey, an emo found this in a magical land _in someone else’s head._ None of this makes any sense.”

Patton stared at Logan with stars in his eyes.

“What?” The logical personality asked worriedly, “Did I say it wrong?”

“No!” Patton exclaimed, face going pink, “Oh, gosh. You called me honey.”

“Is that okay?” Logan inquired.

“Yes!” Patton exclaimed, “Yes. Can… can I call you honey?”

“Uh. Yes?” Logan nodded nervously.

“What about other things?” Patton’s eyes twinkled with mischief.

“... Like what?” Logan asked cautiously.

“Well,” Patton edged closer, and Logan grew redder-

“Am-” Virgil coughed a little, “Am I interrupting something?”

“Nope. Not at all,” Logan stared at the floor, wide-eyed. Think “internally screaming.”

“Virgil!” Patton exclaimed, “Where have you been?”

Virgil fidgeted, tugging on his sleeves, “I was… preoccupied. Got distracted.”

“Right,” Patton frowned, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry Dad,” Virgil yawned, smiling, “Just a little tired.”

Logan frowned, shaking his head, “Are we going to complete this?”

“Yes!” Patton clapped his hands together, “Operation Wake Up Princey is go!”

Virgil groaned, “Never say anything like that again.”

“Fair enough.”

 

* * *

 

“Patton?” Roman murmured, “Why are you in my room?”

“Roman!” Patton put down the newspaper he was holding. Logan had already finished the crossword, and Patton was reading the cartoons.

“I had the strangest dream,” Roman yawned, “Steven Universe ate a _massive_ bagel.”

The personality frowned anxiously, “I think something bad happened though.”

“Roman…” Patton interrupted, “How are you feeling?”

“Fabulous!” Roman narrowed his eyes overdramatically, “Why?”

“Uh…”

The oak door was pushed open, with Logan carrying two steaming mugs of coffee, one with extra milk and sugar, and one black. When the logical trait noticed that Roman was sitting up, and looking at him, he nearly dropped both mugs on the floor. At the last second, he tightened his grip.

“You're awake,” Logan stated.

“Yes?” Roman frowned, “What a miracle.”

Logan handed Patton his mug of coffee, and nodded.

“Roman,” Logan began stiffly, “You have been asleep for about four days.”

Roman laughed, high and musical, and up the other end of the house, Virgil’s eyes snapped open.

“Four days!” Roman giggled, “Very funny. Is it April Fool’s today? I didn't miss it, did I?”

“He's telling the truth, kid,” Patton bit his lip, “You've been lying here for a while. The witch poisoned you.”

 _“Poisoned me?”_ Roman exclaimed, “How?”

Logan frowned, “Uh.”

“The sword,” Roman’s eyes widened, “Oh, god. How did you fix me?”

“Well actually,” Logan smiled softly, “Virgil went into your kingdom himself and brought some poison back. Then we made an antidote out of it.”

“Virgil…” Roman whispered, “Virgil went into my _kingdom?_ Is he okay?”

“He seems fine-” Patton began, but Roman had already sprung up.

“Wait!” Logan called after the prince, “I need to check that- he’s gone. Ugh.”

 

* * *

 

“Virgil?” Roman softly rapped on the anxious personality’s door.

“Go away,” came the quiet response.

“Can I come in?” Roman asked.

“Did you not hear me?” Virgil growled, “Go away.”

Virgil shut his eyes tightly, tears rolling down his cheeks. He couldn't hear anything outside. Roman had probably left, and while Virgil was glad, part of him had wanted the prince to stay. He wanted to curl up with the royal, lie down under a blanket and listen to the rain. He wanted to sing loudly and laugh loudly and cry about Disney shows. He wanted to feel Roman’s body, warm, wanted to feel safe. Safe! What an absolutely hilarious thought.

 _‘So,’_ he uncurled his body slightly, wired like a spring, _‘This is love.’_

It hurt.

“Why would you go into my kingdom alone?” Roman demanded from outside. So he didn't leave then. Fuck.

“Something bad could have happened, Virgil!”

 _‘Something did,’_ Virgil screamed out silently, a piercing pain in his chest. He wanted to confess, tell Roman everything - something _broke_ , something _snapped_ while he was in that place, he was doing things that, well. He'd thought about them, a lot, but he'd never done anything like that.

And now…

Virgil looked down at his bleeding arms, a sob catching in his throat. He couldn't talk. He couldn't breathe. Virgil suddenly felt… empty. He knew that feeling well.

Almost robotically, he dabbed antiseptic on his cuts, wincing, and used up his last three bandaids. He pulled a grey sweater over the top of his t-shirt and opened the door, scowling.

“You're awake,” he hissed, “Great. Now leave me alone.”

Roman looked taken aback, before drifting closer in concern.

“Were you crying?” He asked softly.

“No,” Virgil spat, “I was getting really high. I’m a stoner. 420 blaze it, Princeton.”

“... Oh, right. You're joking,” Roman sighed in relief.

“Go sit on a fucking throne or some shit,” Virgil stormed past the royal and made his way to the living room where Logan and Patton were talking.

“Logan, where’d you put that recipe?” Virgil asked.

“It's-” Logan began.

“Virgil, why are you being so rude?” Roman interrupted.

“You're the one forcing your way into the conversation,” Virgil pointed out, turning back to Logan, “Where did you say?”

“I threw it out,” Logan stated.

Patton’s eyebrows drew together just slightly.

“Oh,” Virgil grimaced.

“Well, actually, I accidentally dropped it in the sink,” Logan mumbled, “The writing was completely illegible due to the ink, you see, so I had no more use of it and I threw it in the bin, because-”

“I get it,” interjected Virgil.

Shit.

 

* * *

 

“What was that about?” Patton questioned after Virgil had left, and Roman had dejectedly made his way back to his room.

“Virgil seems really out of it,” Logan frowned, “On the back of the recipe, it was how to make the _original_ poison. I don't know why he wanted it, but I feel like it would do more harm than good.”

Patton took Logan’s hand.

“Logan?” The usually exuberant personality asked.

“Yes?” Logan replied, looking Patton in the eyes.

“I’m not happy,” Patton stated.

“Why aren't you happy?” Logan asked.

“Thomas,” Patton gulped, “There's something wrong with Thomas.”

“What’s wrong?” Logan asked, panicking.

“He’s been really anxious the past few days, I think it’s a byproduct of Virgil,” Patton explained, “But something just feels really wrong! Oh… I can't fix it, Lo, I can't do anything…”

Patton gripped Logan’s hand tighter, burying his head in Logan’s chest as he leant forward.

“You are so incredible,” Logan whispered, “You _feel_ everything, you're the strongest out of all of us. I really believe that. I love you so much.”

Patton breathed a shaky breath, feeling as if he’d been dunked in a bucket of ice water.

“I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

Virgil grabbed his hoodie off the floor - fuck. There was a damp patch on it, from the pockets… had he stood on it?

_Shit!_

Both the vials inside were crushed, a sweet and deadly smell emanating from the material. Well, now he was screwed.

He wanted something simple. For god’s sake.

He’d just woken from a dream of Roman’s beautiful face, cold and lifeless. The antidote hadn't worked, in fact, it had killed him. Virgil just wanted the nightmares to stop. He wanted everything to stop.

The anxious personality pulled out his phone, checking the time - 2:14 AM. _The witching hour._

Virgil shook his head, laughing and sobbing quietly in his yellow-bathed bedroom. He pulled on his socks and shoes, dragged on a different hoodie, placed his earphones over his ears, and quietly made his way to Roman’s room.

He (agonisingly slowly) opened the door to Roman’s room, padding across the room and opening the other door, making his way through the familiar yet glittering house, and leaving through the front (and third) door.

He did not stop to notice that Roman was not in his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well  
> prq out


	9. interval: self and violent hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil can't take it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry this is so short but i didn't want to put anything else in this chapter! this is very angsty  
> tw for suicide, sadness, very sad  
> this hurt me to write

[ _you know that i can't trust myself_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo3lxS-6joY)

[ _my 3AM shadow_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo3lxS-6joY)

[ _i'd rather fuel the fantasy than deal with this alone_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo3lxS-6joY)

[ _i wanna sleep next to you_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo3lxS-6joY)

[ _but that's all i wanna do right now_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo3lxS-6joY)

[ _so come over now_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo3lxS-6joY)

[ _and talk me down_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo3lxS-6joY)

 

* * *

 

Virgil stood on the top of the cliff above the witch’s cave. This wasn't what he'd come here for, but there hadn't been enough poison left. So instead, desperate, he dug through the witch’s library and found something that could finally give him complete control.

He wasn't sure, yet, that this was the right time. After all, Thomas without any anxiety at all could be devastating. But Virgil was selfish - this pain he felt, the others had _no_ comprehension of it, surely. Roman was selfish too, shallowly, but Virgil knew that it covered deep insecurities. Logan was selfishly arrogant too, sometimes, placing intelligence above all else. And Patton, well. He was a pure form of selfishness, in his own way, with his disregard for certain rules and his veiled belief that he was right.

If Thomas died as a result of this, so be it - Virgil wouldn't exist. He’d finally be allowed to stop worrying, after years of being anxious about Thomas and the others and stupid, mundane things.

Standing there, in the warm breeze, a dark forest starching out before him, Virgil felt at peace. The sky was blue, and the sun was out, even though it was actually about three in the morning. This was his happy ending, the one he deserved. They were all going to be fine without him.

As the breeze shifted direction slightly, Virgil caught a hint of roses in the air. Roman.

A thread of doubt crept into Virgil’s thoughts. _Roman._

While he was shallow, selfish, glittery, exaggerating, belittling, narcissistic, and reckless… Roman was also passionate. He was incredible. He conjured up the most amazing ideas and helped Thomas bring them to life.

Virgil had hated him for the longest time, but now he was growing fond of the prince.

He briefly wondered if it would be worth staying alive just to see if he had a chance. He tried to dismiss the idea, but it _stuck._ What else would be worth living for?

Scenarios began to form in his brain - Thomas and Joan hanging out together and Virgil putting his feet up for a little while. Watching rom-coms with everybody (Patton kept begging them, and Virgil felt like it would be pretty funny).

All thoughts exited his mind, leaving a black cavity, as he felt someone’s presence behind him. He smelled roses stronger, now.

 _“President Snow smelled like roses,”_ an unhelpful Hunger Games nerd at the back of his mind whispered.

Virgil briefly wondered if he had sides in his head, too. Huh.

He breathed - there was no one behind him. He had an overactive imagination here, that was all. He took the the flower out of his pocket - wasn't really looking forward to eating it, but whatever.

“Virgil?” Came a soft, worried voice.

Okay. Not his imagination, then.

“Virgil, why are you so mad at me?” Roman whined, “You did something crazy _for me_ and now you won't even talk to me?”

Virgil didn't turn, but spoke out into the open.

“This wasn't the plan,” he said simply, feeling strangely calm.

“What are you _talking_ about?” Roman sighed, “Virgil, you can't be here. What… what are you holding?”

Roman stared at the flower in Virgil’s limp hand. He thought he'd seen that somewhere before…

Virgil's grip on the plant tightened and he plucked off a petal.

“Virgil?” Roman sounded more confused than annoyed now.

“I-” the anxious personality’s voice cracked slightly, “I thought it would help me sleep. But then Logan didn't have the recipe and I accidentally broke the vials… so I just thought, fuck it. You know?”

“Virgil,” Roman sounded worried now. Well, look what you did, Virgil, you made little precious beautiful Princey scared.

“I found this downstairs- listen to me, _downstairs._ I meant in the cave, obviously,” Virgil breathed, “I don't know if I can do this, Roman…”

“Don't,” Roman whispered desperately, “Virgil, listen to me. You've been in here for too long. You're breaking apart. You're not thinking straight.”

“I can never think straight around you,” Virgil admitted.

Roman was silent for a moment.

“Come here, Virgil,” Roman whispered, “Please. Let's get out of here and watch a Disney movie and eat popcorn and laugh about Logan and Patton.”

“I can't do it any more,” Virgil felt like something was clawing at the inside of his throat, “This past week, it's just been too much. I have nothing to look forward to. None of us do. We're gonna die and I _can't_ be here any more.”

“It will pass,” Roman took a tiny step forward, “This week has just been a crazy combination of random horrible things but everything will be back to normal-”

“You don't _get it,_ **_do you?”_ ** Virgil growled, “This _is_ normal for me. This is what I watch happen in my head. Sometimes it's you here and me there and I can't stop it. I- I’m always losing you, even before I've had a chance with you. I’m never gonna have a chance with you.”

“Virgil, we can help you,” Roman blurted, trying to saying something, _anything,_ to get Virgil to step back from the edge, “Just because you're like this, it won't be forever, we can fix this.”

“You want to fix me,” Virgil sighed, “But you can't. This is me, Roman. I can't be fixed. I’m broken, I’m the bad guy.”

Virgil placed the petal in his mouth, swallowed, then ate the rest of it. He turned around to face Roman.

“Virgil,” tears ran down Roman’s face, “I’m in love with you. Please.”

“You don't mean that,” Virgil said with a sad, crooked smile, “Nobody ever does.”

And with that, Anxiety stepped backwards off the edge of the cliff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter coming asap. don't leave me. this is not the end i swear, i promised y'all a happy ending and you will get it.  
> xx prq  
> stay safe everybody <3


	10. i like it when you sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe everything will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everybody hates me right now but it's all gonna be fine  
> tw for sadness, lots of sad, but also happy, pls love me and don't leave

[ _before you go_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97tnRH89uOQ)

[ _(please don’t go)_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97tnRH89uOQ)

[ _turn the big light off_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97tnRH89uOQ)

 

* * *

 

Virgil’s vision was blurry. The light was on above him, and the dull pain in his head increased as he winced at the brightness. In fact, the dull pain wasn’t just in his head - it was everywhere, like a hangover, a morning when you feel dirty. If there was a way to wash away pain in a shower, he would have been in the bathroom in two seconds flat.

Was he dead?

He hissed at the pain of lifting his arm to rub at his eyes, and he turned his head, and there. There, sleeping, sprawled on a foam mattress on the floor, fully clothed. There was Roman.

A brief jolt of worry shot through him. What had happened?

Oh.

That’s right.

Virgil remembered falling, down, down, watching as the torn expression on Roman shrank smaller and smaller. The sky grew bigger. He all of a sudden, he regretted it - he didn’t want to die. He’d fucked up. He’d fucked up. And all that was left for him was to hope that it didn’t work out like he planned.

Virgil took in Roman’s appearance.

Apparently, it didn’t work out like he planned.

For a moment, Virgil was annoyed at himself - he was such an idiot to think that he, a main trait, could have control over his existence. He was incredibly dumb to think that he could actually _die._

Virgil groaned slightly. And Thomas… how was Thomas affected by this? irst his creativity was out of commission for days and then Virgil went and did something completely reckless and stupid and bad and… ugh.

The anxious personality looked over at the prince once more. He supposed that was one good thing out of this - he got to stare at Roman without being caught or teased.

Oh, _shit!_

Roman had said he loved him. Roman said he _was in love with him!_

But of course, the prince would have said anything to get Virgil not to fall.

 _‘Don’t get your hopes up,’_ whispered a voice in Virgil’s head, _‘It wasn’t true.’_

Virgil knew. He knew it wasn’t true. But he did love Roman, for trying. For putting up with his shit.

Virgil decided to go back to sleep.

He didn’t appreciate the light on in his bedroom. Actually, since when was there a light there?

He wasn’t in his bedroom, he was in Roman’s… that explained it. Fuck, ok, sleep Virgil, go to sleep.

It’s okay. You’re alive, you’ll wake up.

Go to sleep.

 

* * *

 

“Why am I not dead?” Virgil asked suddenly.

“Oh my- you’re awake!” Roman exclaimed, dropping the pencil he was holding.

“Yeah. Why am I not dead?” Virgil repeated.

“Are you feeling alright? Logic said that you’d wake up feeling pretty sore,” Roman gave Virgil a concerned once-over.

“Everything hurts,” Virgil agreed, before adding, “Possibly more relevantly: why am I not dead?”

“I’ll see if we can get something for the pain, then,” Roman coughed, leaving the room quickly.

“Ok,” Virgil stated flatly, “Why am I not dead?”

There was no response.

The anxious personality glanced around at the room. Natural sunlight was streaming in, now, from… somewhere. Before, it had been quite dark, which was why the… Virgil glanced up.

Why the chandelier was lit.

Wow, of course it was a chandelier.

Suddenly, the door swung open, and Patton rushed into the room.

“I am so glad you’re okay,” Patton said, with such sincerity that Virgil felt a lump form in his throat - now wa not the time to be emotional, because… well, he didn’t have an actual reason, he just didn’t want to cry in front of Patton right now.

“How _am_ I okay?” Virgil asked, suddenly feeling very dazed.

“You should talk to Logan about that,” Patton sat down beside the bed, nestling into Roman’s mattress.

“Why am I not in my room?” Virgil questioned.

“That, I can answer,” Patton smiled softly, “It’s locked. We were gonna break down the door, but… yeah.”

“Oh,” Virgil nodded numbly, “Ok.”

“Does it hurt?” Patton asked worriedly.

“Yes,” Virgil swallowed. Everything hurt. His chest, particularly - it felt like something had been ripped out of him. But he felt like that was emotional pain, not physical pain.

Still hurt like a little bitch.

 

* * *

 

“Just a few days ago, it was me there,” Roman said sadly.

“Yes, but now it’s him, and we’re going to look after him,” Logan said briskly, gathering his medical equipment.

“Logan,” Roman turned to face him, “How are you this okay right now?”

“I’m trying to-” the logical trait began.

“He tried to _kill himself,_ and you’re acting like he has some sort of… condition!”

“Roman,” Logan sighed, “I am very upset. But I don’t want Virgil to feel like he’s a burden on us because of this. Clearly he feels like he’s a burden anyway.”

“But if we act like this is normal then he might think we saw this coming, or something, which is bad because we _didn’t_ but he’d think we did and then we didn’t do anything about it or talk to him-” Roman tralied off.

“We didn’t see it coming,” Logan whispered quietly, staring down at a stethoscope, “I didn’t see it coming, but I should have. I always assume that he- that all of you will act logically, but I should know better. Even I don’t always act completely logically. I should have noticed that something was off.”

“That’s not your responsibility-” Roman began, before noticing that the other personality was about to interrupt, “No, let me finish, Logan. It’s not your responsibility. It’s all of ours. And the fact that we didn’t notice something this serious was going on… I feel ashamed of myself.”

“It’s not our fault _at all,_ Roman,” Logan frowned, “You were asleep when this started and then he cooped himself up in his room. We all noticed that he was on edge, but he’s always on edge.”

“So then how can you blame yourself?” Roman argued.

“He wanted the recipe,” Logan explained, “And I didn’t give it to him. I thought he wanted it to… do something bad. I didn’t really think about it at the time, but I think somewhere in my subconscious I didn’t want him near anything that he could hurt himself with. I should have confronted him about it.”

“He wanted it to help him sleep,” Roman whispered.

“What?” Logan asked.

“He told me he wanted it to help him sleep,” Roman’s voice grew louder, “And you didn’t give it to him. And so then he went and- oh, God, Logan…”

Logan stared blankly at his stethoscope again.

“So this _is_ my fault,” Logan raised his eyebrows.

Roman wanted to tell him that no, it wasn’t. He knew he should. He knew it was the truth that it wasn’t Logan’s fault in the slightest, it was nobody’s _fault,_ it was just how things played out. But, of course, Roman didn’t always act logically. He wanted someone to blame.

So he just turned on his heel and walked away.

 

* * *

 

“Are you here to explain why I’m not dead right now?” Virgil asked, sitting up.

“I’m here to make sure you don’t die from unknown complications,” Logan sighed, waving away Patton’s offer of tea.

“Is that a threat?” Virgil snickered.

“What the actual fuck did you take?” Logan put his hands on his hips.

“Sounds like a threat,” Virgil groaned, “I ate a flower.”

“A flower,” Logan said desperately, “First there’s magical witches and remedies, now you eat a flower and come back with every bone in your body broken.”

“I broke every bone?” Virgil whistled, impressed.

“One hundred and seventy-six,” Logan growled, “Luckily, they’re all mended now.”

“How long was I out for?” Virgil asked, realising that he didn’t actually know how long he’d been ‘recuperating.’

“Only about twenty hours. But we heal fast, you know that. And-” He paused, lifting his stethoscope up, “We don’t die. So what made you think you could?”

“I found it in the witch’s cave thing,” Virgil pulled his shirt down a little so Logan could place the cool metal on his chest, “It said it would make all injuries with the complications that they have in the real world.”

“And why would you believe something you found in a cave?” Logan frowned.

“She managed to knock Roman out for literally _four days_.”

“Touché,” Logan responded, “Turn around and take your shirt off please.”

“Everything hurts,” Virgil complained, although complying.

“Well, I might be able to give you something for that. Patton went and got some heavy-duty pain meds,” Logan pursed his lips, “You get one, though. I’m not leaving them here.”

“That’s fair, and probably a good idea,” Virgil sighed, “But I wouldn’t try anything stupid, honest.”

“Right,” Logan placed the stethoscope on Virgil’s back, “Cough, please.”

Virgil did.

“Everything seems fine. I’ll take your temperature and maybe some blood back to my lab to check it out,” Virgil pulled his shirt back down and Logan placed a thermometer under his tongue. There was an awkward silence.

“You’re fine,” Logan concluded after about 40 seconds, “Can I take some blood?”

“If you insist,” Virgil rolled up his sleeve, sighing at his blank-slate arms.

 

* * *

 

“He’s still awake, if you want to talk to him,” Logan said stiffly to Roman, “But he’ll be out soon. He has to rest.”

“Thank you,” Roman replied awkwardly, “I didn’t mean- it’s not your fault, Logan, not at all. You know that.”

“I do,” Logan nodded, “And yet I still feel guilty. Why is that?”

“You get used to it,” Roman smiled, “It’s called having feelings.”

Roman turned towards the door of Virgil’s room.

Speaking of feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay  
> more coming soon  
> prq out


	11. my friends and i have problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil's... okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy i'm back sorry for the short lil hiatus there, please enjoy this chapter, more coming soon!

[ _i wanted to be a better brother, better son_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwivwc-CjPzWAhWFFpQKHRH8AF8Q3ywIKjAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DMiPBQJq49xk&usg=AOvVaw3lhZv0JhPW4-DaKHRQ53V_)

[ _wanted to be a better adversary to the evil i have done_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwivwc-CjPzWAhWFFpQKHRH8AF8Q3ywIKjAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DMiPBQJq49xk&usg=AOvVaw3lhZv0JhPW4-DaKHRQ53V_)

[ _i have none to show to the one i love_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwivwc-CjPzWAhWFFpQKHRH8AF8Q3ywIKjAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DMiPBQJq49xk&usg=AOvVaw3lhZv0JhPW4-DaKHRQ53V_)

[ _but deny, deny, denial_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwivwc-CjPzWAhWFFpQKHRH8AF8Q3ywIKjAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DMiPBQJq49xk&usg=AOvVaw3lhZv0JhPW4-DaKHRQ53V_)

 

* * *

 

“I’m so tired right now… can’t this wait?” Virgil sighed.

“Well, yes. I was just wondering if you wanted to go back to your room - Logan found the spare key,” Roman rubbed the back of his head, “Yours must have fallen out, when. Uh.”

“Right,” Virgil groaned, “Is this you kicking me out?”

“No!” Roman exclaimed, “No, I just thought maybe you’d be more comfortable there - but don’t- don’t leave. If you don’t want to.”

Virgil smiled, “I’ll stay, if that’s ok? I can roll onto your mattress though, if you want your bed.”

“No,” Roman laughed, “It’s fine. I’ll turn the light out.”

“Oh, thank god-” Virgil began, before realising the implications - he’d been fantasising about turning off that painfully bright light since early this morning, but he really did not want to be in the dark. “Wait, uh. Do you have a lamp?”

“Yes?” Roman asked, confused.

“Can I turn that on?” Virgil pleaded anxiously.

“Of course,” Roman nodded, “Goodnight, Virgil.” The royal turned off the bright chandelier (which was fake, and electrical, Virgil now noted. That made more sense. Of course they weren’t candles. Who had time for that shit?). Fuck, he was tired.

Virgil turned his head, blinking sleepily in the light of Roman’s… wow, it was a Beauty and the Beast lamp, a glass cylinder with a rounded top, containing a glowing rose. In the soft, pink-tinged glow, Roman’s closed eyes and just slightly open lips looked almost angelic.

 _‘Ew, Virgil, when did you get this poetic?’_ The trait thought to himself, _‘Besides, it’s weird to be attracted to someone who looks the same as you.’_

Although, they didn’t look the same, not really - there were differences in the way they held themselves, the way they spoke. What was that thing about seeing a clone of yourself? That if you saw a copy of yourself, you wouldn’t recognise them? Plus, there were differences in personality - oh, _boy,_ were there differences in personality.

Virgil felt calm, lemonade in his blood and fog in his mind. The medication Logan had given him, whatever the fuck it was, was really strong. He felt himself slip into sleep, peaceful for the first time in… well, maybe ever.

 

* * *

 

Virgil was growing smaller and smaller, and Roman could see the regret on his face, see the urge to freeze time. He could see Virgil’s raw will to live. It was terrifying.

And then came the crunch, bone breaking, blood pooling beneath Virgil’s head. That noise had been the soundtrack in the back of Roman’s head ever since he heard it. He doubted he’d ever stop hearing it.

Roman stared down at the body on the ground, felt the overwhelming anticipation, a single word pounding through him.

_Please._

_Please._

_Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplea_

A single twitch of Virgil’s leg.

Roman snapped into action, running as fast he could down, down… why was this damn path so long? Shit.

By the time he got down to Virgil, the darker trait’s bones had all snapped back into place. Virgil was still unconscious. The blood around his head had dried, a gory halo to a fallen angel.

Roman knelt down, scooping Virgil up - the darker personality was much lighter than himself. As Roman felt the emotion building up in his chest, when before he had just been numb, he felt tears slip out of the sides of his eyes. He let out a loud, low, sound - the sound some sort of animal would make when their partner died.

But Virgil wasn't dead yet.

Suddenly, Virgil’s eyes opened, and his hands were around Roman’s throat, and Roman couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe-

Roman sat bolt upright in bed and _breathed,_ hard.

The pink glow of his lamp still bathed his room, and as he felt the cool sweat on his forehead, he saw Virgil stir.

“Are you okay?” Came Virgil’s voice, along with a hiss of pain.

“Are you?” Roman turned to look at his counterpart.

“Did... you have a nightmare?” Virgil asked hesitantly.

“I- I think so,” Roman frowned, “I can't remember it now, really. I think you were in it.”

“Okay,” Virgil groaned, “I think that painkiller wore off, everything hurts again.”

“Do you want me to see if I can find some more for you?” Roman asked.

“No,” Virgil shook his head, “I shouldn't take any more, they're really strong. I'll just try and get back to sleep.”

“That lamp won't help with that, you know,” Roman smirked.

“You have no idea,” Virgil huffed.

The royal sat cross legged on the foam mattress, and Virgil curled, turned towards him. Their faces were level, although Virgil’s was sideways.

The anxious personality felt his heart rate pick up. _‘Fuck you,’_ he cursed his own body.

“You're beautiful,” Roman suddenly blurted, and Virgil blinked.

“We,” Virgil decided to go back to the original defence, “We look the same!”

“Pfft, no we don't,” Roman waved his hand, “None of us look the same.”

“Well, we look very similar,” Virgil frowned.

“Okay,” Roman grinned, “Then we're both beautiful.”

“Whatever,” Virgil groaned, rolling onto his back and placing his pillow on his face, “Ugh.”

“It's like, 4AM,” Roman sighed, “Sorry I woke you up.”

“Nah, you didn't,” Virgil admitted, “I was already awake. Nightmare.”

“Yeah?” Roman asked, expectantly.

“I was falling,” Virgil said quietly, “But you grabbed my arm.”

“Isn't that a good thing?” Roman asked.

“You slipped,” Virgil curled up around his pillow, “And you fell with me.”

Roman paused.

“I’m sorry I didn't grab you,” he looked down at the ground, ashamed.

“You couldn't have done anything,” Virgil quickly countered, “And I’m still here, and you're here. All good.”

“It’s not all good,” Roman scowled, “Don't you- don't you know what would happen to us if you were gone? What would happen to me?”

“No,” Virgil rolled again, turning his back to Roman, “Probably nothing.”

“We’d be broken,” Roman said fiercely, “Virgil. Look at me. Please?”

Virgil sat up and dejectedly faced the prince.

“I want to believe you-” he began.

“Then _do!”_ Roman pleaded, “Virgil, I will tell you this every day of our fucking lives if it could make you believe it.”

“Did you say it get me not to jump?” Virgil said abruptly.

“What?” Roman frowned.

“You heard me, did you say it to stop me from jumping?” Virgil growled.

“Yes,” Roman shook his head, narrowing his eyes, “Yes, I did. But it's still true.”

Virgil looked pained, upset, and Roman regretted saying anything - 4AM wasn't the time to have this conversation.

And then Virgil leaned forward, and for a second Roman was hopeful that maybe, maybe, Virgil felt the same way, and maybe Virgil-

“I don't believe you,” Virgil whispered.

 

* * *

 

“Hi, Thomas,” Virgil said quietly.

“Oh my- Virgil!” Thomas smiled widely, enveloping him in a hug, “I missed you.”

“You _missed_ me?” Virgil snickered, “Nah.”

“It's true,” Thomas was warm.

And for some reason, Virgil believed him.

Of course, Thomas only missed him because he'd probably be dead if Virgil wasn't there. Virgil knew that. This was Thomas’ self-interest, he didn't actually miss _Virgil._

“Really,” Thomas nodded assuringly, “I missed your sarcasm. How are you?”

“I’m… I’m okay,” Virgil said tentatively, “Could be better, but I’m definitely better than before.”

There was a pause.

“Thomas, did anything happen?” Virgil asked nervously, “I mean, to you? Because of what I did?”

“I was pretty unproductive, but nothing too bad happened, I promise,” Thomas smiled comfortingly, “Wanna watch a movie? I’m gonna invite everyone up. Side bonding time.”

“Sure,” Virgil smiled, and he felt okay. Not brilliant, not terrible, but… okay.

He figured that was probably a good thing.


	12. and you have every right to be scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, ~~the things that are expensive are worse~~ the unexpected leads to good things happening to anxious and tired boys named Virgil, as well as overdramatic and fancy boys named Roman. Sometimes the unexpected leads to good things happening to emotional dad-friends named Patton along with stern teacher-like people named Logan. The unexpected does not lead to good things for anyone else, ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't even know what that summary is lmao  
> sorry that this chapter took me so long to post!!!! i was getting back into the School Rhythm still  
> love y'all  
> (PS: if you're looking for a cool sci-fi past/future lives movie you should watch 'cloud atlas'. i'm listening to the theme now. that movie made me cry. several times. but it's REALLY COOL I SWEAR)

[ _there are some nights i wait for someone to save us_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwi4upirjYvXAhWMHZQKHRA_AkkQ3ywIKTAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DBAyNR4CEPE8&usg=AOvVaw2VKGel5ALwQ_nNKdZePnLz)  
[ _but i never look inward, try not to look upward_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwi4upirjYvXAhWMHZQKHRA_AkkQ3ywIKTAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DBAyNR4CEPE8&usg=AOvVaw2VKGel5ALwQ_nNKdZePnLz)  
[ _and some nights i pray a sign is gonna come to me_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwi4upirjYvXAhWMHZQKHRA_AkkQ3ywIKTAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DBAyNR4CEPE8&usg=AOvVaw2VKGel5ALwQ_nNKdZePnLz)  
[ _but usually, i'm just trying to get some sleep..._ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwi4upirjYvXAhWMHZQKHRA_AkkQ3ywIKTAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DBAyNR4CEPE8&usg=AOvVaw2VKGel5ALwQ_nNKdZePnLz)

 

* * *

 

So, Thomas was an idiot.

He wouldn't call himself a Green Day fan, but he was an American  Idiot, in Canada, and he felt like _shit._

It was a very spur of the moment thing - Virgil had been out of commission and he thought he'd do something spontaneous, you know? And when his anxiety had popped up to say hi, he was alone, washing his hands in a gas station bathroom, so of course the trait hadn't picked up on what was going on.

 _‘Fuck,’_ Thomas thought as he clambered into his rental car.

A second later, Virgil was in the passenger seat.

“Thomas,” the side began slowly, realisation and worry dawning on his face, “What the actual fuck?”

“Okay-” Thomas began.

“We didn't think it was that important to tell you, Verge,” Patton exclaimed, appearing in the backseat, “At least not right then.”

“Is this…” Virgil squinted through the windscreen, “Thomas Motherfucking Sanders, are we in fucking _Canada?”_

“I advised him against it,” Logan remarked, popping up next to Patton.

“I thought it could be fun, honestly,” Roman inspected his nails as he suddenly materialised in between Logan and Patton, looking a little squished.

And that was how the trip had _really_ begun. Virgil rolled his eyes at his host, sighing and sinking down. He didn’t need this right now.

But then again, maybe it was a good thing! It would give him something to do, and take his mind off what had just happened.

And off Roman.

 

* * *

 

But then again, maybe not.

Thomas was sick. Like, _sick,_ throwing up while Patton rubbed circles on his back and while Logan texted Joan that Thomas was ok, just not feeling so good.

Well, no, what he actually said was:

 

_Hello, this is Logan. Thomas has food poisoning or some other sort of gastrointestinal trouble, but he's booked on a flight back home in two days._

 

**uh, ok. how’s canada?**

 

_Chilly._

 

Roman took the phone off Logan at that point.

“It’s late…” Thomas managed to murmur, later, “You guys should go, I can- I can handle this.”

“No chance, kiddo,” Patton frowned, “You need someone here, and we don't mind.”

“Well, _all_ of you don't have to be here!” Thomas exclaimed, before doubling over and throwing up again.

“Jesus, what the fuck did you eat?” Virgil commented from outside the bathroom, “I'm making tea. Anyone?”

“Ooh, hotel tea. Anything good?” Roman asked warmly, and Virgil gave him a sad smile. He didn't regret what he said the other night, about not believing the prince, because it was true. Well, maybe not - Virgil could see that Roman cared for him, in some capacity. But love? No. How could anyone love him?

“Peppermint? Lemon and Ginger, Earl Grey, Black,” Virgil listed, “That's it. No one’s getting any shitty coffee at this hour, I’m saving those to tip down my throat in the middle of the night.”

“That's disgusting,” Logan pursed his lips, perched on a chair.

“Says the guy who dissected a _cow eye_ the other day?” Roman pointed out.

“It was scientifically interesting, Roman, shut up,” Logan bickered, but there was a hint of a smile on his face.

The sound of the bathroom door opening drew all of their attention. Green-tinged Thomas emerged, along with a comfortingly smiling Patton.

“Feeling any better?” Roman asked.

“Little bit,” Thomas groaned, “I just wanna sleep. But I feel like I’m gonna wake up and then throw up again.”

“Well,” Virgil filled the kettle up, “There's a bucket next to your bed, so… aim well.”

“Thanks, Virge,” Thomas rolled his eyes, getting into bed and curling slightly.

“Night, Thomas,” Roman smiled.

There was a pause.

“There's only one bed, and Thomas is sleeping it,” Logan stated flatly.

“Undisturbed,” Patton added, shooting a threatening look towards Roman.

“S’fine,” Thomas mumbled.

“Ew, I don't want to sleep next to you,” Roman overdramatically waved his hand, “You're contaminated.”

“Three of us can fit on the fold out,” Patton sighed, “And someone can take the lounge chair.”

“You can't sleep on the lounge chair, Patton, it feels like a _rock,”_ Roman grinned.

“Or, one or two of us could stay here while Thomas sleeps, and the others could go back home,” Virgil pointed out.

“Well,” Patton jumped at the chance, “Logan and I will go. We need some… alone time.” Logan looked mortified and blushed to his ears as Patton threw the other two sides a wink.

Both Virgil and Roman, wincing and groaning, missed the very pointed look Patton gave Logan.

As the two sank down, Virgil felt his heart sink with them. He'd hoped that Patton would stay, being the dad friend, and he'd be free to go to his room and cry about life and drink Red Bull and fight people on Tumblr. But now he had to stay and _sleep next to Roman_ , fuck. He was contemplating the stone armchair at this point.

“Don't even think about sleeping in that,” Roman shook his head as he saw Virgil glance towards the chair, “Don't worry, I’ll keep my distance.”

So, Virgil put away the two extra cups, filling the other two with hot water. He approached Roman, who was sitting cross-legged on the bed, staring intently at Thomas.

“What is it?” Virgil set the peppermint tea down on the small table on the prince’s side of the bed.

“Would he believe someone?” Roman looked up.

“Huh?” Virgil looked sideways, awkwardly placing his tea on the same table and turning towards Thomas.

Roman stood, gently taking Virgil’s limp hand. He expected the anxious trait to pull away, but he didn't.

Roman softly brushed Virgil’s hair out of his eyes, lightly turning the trait’s head toward him. They locked eyes.

“Virgil?”

“Yes?” Virgil answered, hating how breathy his voice was, hating how his stomach flipped at how desperate Roman looked.

“He would, wouldn't he? Believe someone if they told him they loved him?” Roman asked.

“Yes,” Virgil sighed, “Probably.”

“So why don't you?” Roman asked, softly, like he wasn't really expecting an answer.

Virgil didn't give him one, because he didn't have one, not really - not one that was an actual reason, anyway.

But, as Roman dropped his hand,  and Virgil picked up his cup, crossed the room, and got into the other side of the bed, as Roman turned the lamp off, as they both let their tea get cold without taking a single sip, as Virgil listened as first Thomas’, then Roman’s breathing evened out, as he lay in bed, eyes glistening with tears in the dark, he went over each and every reason. They were stupid things, things someone like Roman would deny or brush aside, but they brought Virgil down, down, down…

 _‘But Roman would still brush them aside,’_ Virgil thought before he slipped into sleep, _‘No matter how many, or how bad they were. Roman would brush them aside because, apparently, Roman loves me.’_

Even alone, in the dark, it wasn't that terrible to think.

And maybe Virgil really loved him back.

 

* * *

 

It was early, but Virgil felt like he'd slept in way too late - everything felt greasy, sticky, unclean. Roman had kept his promise and stuck to his side of the bed, and Thomas hadn't thrown up at all in the night. But Virgil still felt gross.

The darkness was slowly turning a milky grey with the morning light. Threads of orange were seeping under the blinds, and through Virgil’s tired mind, one thought echoed: _I need a goddamn shower._

So he threw the covers back and crept into the bathroom, the lights flickering on. The last time he'd seen a light flicker was when Patton had cried and cried and cried and Thomas had curled up on the floor, sobs wracking his body. The lights had barely worked in Virgil’s room, and then later, with the numbness, came a dimmer version of the usually bright globes.

But these hotel lights were so bright and fluorescent that they hurt his eyes a little, and it reminded him of that night when he’d glanced at Roman through the pink glow of the lamp.

Virgil stripped, grabbing some hotel soap, shampoo, and conditioner, and running the water. The warmth woke him up a little more, the morning buzz of ideas and song lyrics and random incoherent thoughts slowly beginning. When he was finished, he wrapped a towel around his waist. He felt a lot better, but…

He caught sight of the other complimentary stuff the hotel had laid out.

And so he opened a packaged toothbrush and brushed his teeth, then washed his face with soap, because greasy skin is Gross.

“Who will I be when I wake up next to a stranger?” He sang softly, hearing a noise from outside.

 _‘Oops,’_ he thought, _‘I must have woken them up. Sorry.’_

“On a passenger plane,” He continued singing, “Passenger plane-”

“Oh, permanent jet lag!” Chimed a dramatic voice as the door to the bathroom swung open, and suddenly Virgil was greeted with the face of Roman.

“JESUS FUCK!” The anxious trait yelled.

“Oh, gosh, sorry,” Roman exclaimed, covering his eyes, “I didn't realise you wouldn't have a shirt on, bloody hell!”

“Warn a guy, would you?” Virgil said, nervously turning away so that Roman couldn't see his chest.

“Uh. I’ll just,” Roman stuttered, and suddenly Virgil felt sorry for him.

“Sorry,” Virgil sighed, rinsing his face again and drying it, “Did you want a shower?”

“Uh…” Roman slowly brought his hand down from his eyes, “Yes. And, uh, just saying, no need to be self conscious. Not like it’s anything I haven’t seen before.”

“Whatever,” Virgil snickered, grabbing his clothes, “I’m gonna go get changed in my room.”

Roman nodded, biting his lip and smirking, lifting the hem of his t-shirt.

“Better hurry,” he grinned cheekily, and Virgil quickly sank down, rather pink in the face.

As soon as he was in his room, the anxious trait realised that a) Roman knew the words to 20 Dollar Nosebleed, and b) when Roman had lifted his shirt up, Virgil had seen a dark shape on the side of the royal’s torso.

Holy shit. Roman had _ink?_


	13. we're dancing in this world alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can't stop thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, VERY short chapter again sorry but i've already started the next one so here you go!!! i'm in a rush f u c k gotta go fast

[i know we're not everlasting](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eWUnVyO1Klk)

[we're a train wreck waiting to happen](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eWUnVyO1Klk)

[one day the blood won't flow so gladly](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eWUnVyO1Klk)

[one day we'll all get still](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eWUnVyO1Klk)

 

* * *

 

“So,” Patton whispered conspiratorially, “How was it?”

“How was what?” Virgil frowned.

“You know… spending the night with Roman! _Alone!”_ Patton exclaimed, turning to stir some soup.

“Uhh…” Virgil gave him a weird look, “It was fine, I guess?”

“Did you guys talk?” Patton cocked an eyebrow inquisitively.

“Well… yeah,” Virgil glanced down at the recipe book that Patton had open on the table.

“But, no, I meant-” Patton gave the soup one last stir and turned back around, placing his palms flat on the benchtop. Virgil leaned back a little, nervous at the serious expression on Patton’s face.

“Did you _talk?”_ The fatherly personality asked.

“Oh,” Virgil breathed, “Not really.”

“Listen, I don't want to force you to do anything, kiddo,” Patton sighed, adjusting his glasses, “But I really think you need to talk to someone about everything.”

“I-” Virgil protested, before biting his tongue - he knew Patton was right, but he hated being treated like some fragile china doll. Or whatever.

“Just… think about it. You can come to me whenever, okay? Even if it’s 3AM. Or talk to Thomas.Yeah?” Patton smiled softly.

“But… okay,” Virgil nodded.

“Now, onto matters of the heart,” Patton wiggled his eyebrows, and Virgil groaned.

“Did you talk about,” Patton gestured wildly, “Your… relationship?”

“We’re not dating,” Virgil interjected quickly.

“Yeah, _duh!_ But you like him!” Patton giggled, “And he _definitely_ likes you.”

“Ugh, _fine!”_ Virgil grumbled, before continuing sarcastically, “Yeah, I like him, totally wouldn't mind making out while watching Disney movies, but I'd probably let him bend me over a table if he asked nicely.”

“Nasty,” Patton grimaced.

“But, wait, hang on - how was _your_ night?” Virgil smirked, “After you, y’know, abandoned me.”

“I didn't- well. It was… nice,” Patton blushed lightly, and christ, if it could make Patton, an open and brutally honest guy, blush…

Virgil raised his eyebrows.

“We didn't do any, you know, sex stuff,” Patton explained, “But we watched a movie. And kissed. It was… really sweet.”

“You two are so gross,” Virgil laughed, “In a cute way. Doesn't it weird you out though? Liking a personality trait that’s part of the same person?”

“Not really,” Patton whirled around, turning the heat right down and cracked some pepper over it, “The heart wants what it wants.”

Virgil huffed, a curl of a smile on his lips.

“Listen, Virge,” Patton tasted the soup, nodding approvingly before turning around once more, “You like him, he likes you, and that's a fact. Accept it. Accepted? Yes? No? Doesn't matter. What matters is this.” He paused, probably for dramatic effect, but Virgil rolled his eyes.

“What are you going to do about it?”

 

* * *

 

“I think I accidentally showed Virgil my tattoo,” Roman winced.

“Oh. That's… nice?” Logan looked a little lost.

“Logan, I literally can't stop thinking about it!” Roman exclaimed, before continuing speedily, “Did he actually see it? Did he like it? What if he hates tattoos? _What if he hates me?”_

“Roman, calm down,” Logan sighed, “Virgil isn't- he wouldn't hate someone over something so insignificant.”

“It’s not insignificant,” Roman pursed his lips, “It's awesome as fuck.”

“That's not what I-”

“I'm over it,” Roman interrupted, glancing down at his nails, “Logan. Logan, I wanna ask him out.”

“Finally,” Logan heaved a sigh, smiling blankly (internally screaming), “Please. Get on with it. I can't believe I got laid before you did.”

“You did _not_ get laid last night, you liar,” Roman laughed.

“However, at this rate, I _will_ get laid before you do,” Logan reminded him.

“Shit,” Roman frowned, “I wanna get fucked up.”

“What? No,” Logan shook his head, “Just go to his room or something. Not his _room_ his room, just his room.”

“I can't stop thinking about the the tattoo thing,” Roman groaned, sitting cross-legged on Logan’s clean floor, head in his hands, “Like…”

“If you're about to say something sexually explicit,” Logan interjected, and Roman clamped his mouth shut, “Which, apparently, you were, I don't want to know.”

“I’m just gonna… go see him,” Roman nodded, “Like, it's not that hard? This is fine. I can do this.”

“Please,” Logan mumbled, “And don't come back.”

“I won't come back till I’m well and truly fucked,” Roman winked.

“I think you're already completely fucked,” Logan murmured, but his door had already swung shut.

“Dumbass.”

 

* * *

 

_What are you going to do about it?_

_What are you going to do about it?_

_What are you going to do about it?_

Damn good question.

Virgil lay on his bed, Fake Your Death by My Chemical Romance playing through his phone’s speakers. He wasn't feeling sad, but he had his music on shuffle, so…

Fuck, this song was ruining the mood. He stretched, skipping the song lazily, feeling a spike of guilt. “YOU CAN’T SKIP THAT!” A voice screeched from inside his head, “IT’S A MASTERPIECE!”

Virgil was surprised when the next song was a Lorde song, something he pretty much never listened to. He vaguely remembered downloading a couple of random albums and looking at some artists late, _late_ at night. It was after Roman had drunkenly flirted with him, when he still had Thomas’ phone, skipping through all of Thomas’ music and either cringing or being pleasantly surprised.

The intro played, followed by the simple but, he supposed, kind of beautiful voice of Lorde. Beautiful in that lonely way that some singers have, you know?

_‘That slow-burn wait while it gets dark…’_

He couldn't believe that he, the embodiment of someone’s anxiety, wanted to date the embodiment of the **_same person’s_** creativity.

_‘Bruising the sun, I feel grown up with you in your car…’_

Suddenly, there was a loud knock at his door. He almost paused the music, but… nah. Who cares?

_‘I know it’s dumb.’_

He expectantly opened the door, and there, in his white t-shirt and red skinny jeans ( _fuck_ ), was Roman.

“Uh. Hey?” Virgil asked nervously, licking his lips.

“Hey,” Roman smiled awkwardly, “Can we… talk? Maybe?”

_‘We've both got a million bad habits to kick…’_

“Sure.”

_‘Not sleeping is one.’_

“Cool.”

_‘I'm biting my nails, you're biting my lip… I’m biting my tongue.’_


	14. the fire's just beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil: "i'm... dealing."  
> Roman: "get off the floor, you rusty spoon."  
> Logan: "very smooth, princey."  
> Patton: "and, well, fuck"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW anxiety attack and implied sexy-times near the end but no actual explicit nsfw stuff. just making out.  
> enjoy mi friendos

[won't you let me know you when the days are all gone?](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OUALIelK9Ao)   
[ sleeping on your shoulder while you're driving your car, yeah](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OUALIelK9Ao)   
[ boy we ride forever when you're flying with me](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OUALIelK9Ao)   
[ yeah i'll always let you know](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OUALIelK9Ao)   
[ won't regret you when i go](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OUALIelK9Ao)

 

* * *

 

“I'm gonna paint my nails, that okay?” Virgil asked, grabbing a tiny bottle of nail polish off his desk, “What did you wanna talk about?”

“You. Kind of,” Roman admitted.

Virgil immediately went stiff, scared. He'd put Roman off, and Roman was gonna tell him to-

“Did you see my tattoo?” Roman asked nervously.

“Yes. No? Kind of,” Virgil mumbled, “I mean, I saw that you had a tattoo, but I didn't know what it was?”

“But, like, it doesn't _bother_ you or anything, right?” Roman asked as Virgil finished painting his left thumb nail.

“What would bother me?” Virgil asked, confused.

“Like. Tattoos,” Roman clarified.

“Pfft, what? No,” Virgil, in his long-sleeved black tee and dark grey sweatpants ( _fuck_ ), looked at Roman like he was an idiot. Which, he guessed, was probably fair.

“The only reason I don't have one is that I’m scared I'll regret it, and then I’ll have to end up removing it,” Virgil mused, finishing off his left index nail.

“Right,” Roman nodded. The tension in the room grew, suffocatingly still and silent, suffocatingly awkward.

“Look-” Virgil started.

“Can I paint my nails?” Roman blurted out, and Virgil blinked.

“I mean,” Roman continued, “I just… thought it would look cool. Maybe not. I dunno.”

“I mean, of course you can… have you done it before?” Virgil asked inquisitively, “It can be kinda hard to get the hang of.”

“Uh…” Roman had assumed it was pretty easy - or, at least, Virgil made it look that way. Effortless, in fact.

“I’ll do it for you, if you want?” Virgil offered, pink dusting his cheeks, “I think I have a dark red somewhere?”

“G-great. Thanks,” Roman stuttered.

“So… was that it?” Virgil asked, digging through a drawer, “You were worried that I didn't like tattoos? Aw, Princey.”

“Well…” Roman took a deep breath, and something screeched in the back of his head, a cigarette lighter flaring in his brain, and no - he couldn't do this, “Yep, that’s all. Uh. Just… yeah.”

“Well… okay,” Virgil smiled a little from under his bangs, holding up a small red bottle.

“Do you want to see it-” Roman began nervously.

“Yes,” Virgil slapped his hand over his mouth, turning red, “Oh, god, sorry, shit.”

Roman laughed, the worry he felt melting away. Virgil was _nervous,_ well, wasn’t he always, but nervous _around him._ That was cute.

Jesus Christ, Roman - get it together, get your jaw off the damn floor.

Roman lifted up a corner of his t-shirt, exposing the side of this torso. And there, planted like a secret on his skin, was a solid black crown.

“Wow,” Virgil smiled in awe, “I mean. It’s both… not what I expected, and totally what I expected.”

Roman cocked his head to one side. “What on earth could you possibly mean?”

“Well, a crown is… very you. I thought it would maybe be more… ornate? And like, detailed? And I wasn’t really expecting black, but when I saw it before, that’s what colour it was. I don’t know. I'm in shock. I think I’ve been in a state of shock ever since you…” Virgil trailed off.

“Since what?” Roman frowned, smiling confusedly.

“Since- uhm. Since you told me you liked my laugh,” Virgil said quietly.

“Since I- that was a while ago, damn,” Roman whistled lowly, and maybe this was really happening? Were they going to have an actual conversation about this?

Suddenly, both of their phones vibrated, Roman’s playing a fanfare.

_Maybe not._

It was a text from Logan, Roman realised as he wiggled his phone out of his back pocket (not particularly gracefully).

**Living room something's wrong**

“Get the same?” Virgil frowned, placing the nail polish on his desk and standing.

“Yeah. Very un-Logan, not using grammar,” Roman stood and pocketed his phone again, and suddenly Virgil stiffened.

“Are you-” Roman began, concerned.

Virgil was already running out of the room, gasping for breath.

 

* * *

 

“Patton? Take a deep breath, please, honey,” Logan pleaded, and Patton _tried,_ he really did. But he felt like he was drowning, like the air around him was water - no. Not water, syrup, thick and sticky, and he shook like hypothermia on a mountain summit.

“What's happening?” Virgil burst into the living room, wheezing.

“Patton’s having a panic attack, I don't-” Logan cried.

 _“Thomas,”_ Virgil choked, voice doubled, echoed, deeper, _“Shit-”_

Roman rushed into the living room, suddenly holding his hands to his head. It felt like a thin metal wire had shot right through his brain.

“What is that- fuck!” Roman yelled, the sharp noise increasing in frequency.

“This has happened before,” Logan breathed in realisation, before continuing, forced and awkward, “It’s okay, we're ok, breathe for me guys, ok? We need to pull through for Thomas.”

“Right,” Roman swallowed dryly, and he stumbled over to Virgil, who was desperately trying to calm Patton while simultaneously _freaking the fuck out._

Thomas was on a plane. Thomas was in a bathroom, on a plane.

Roman reached out and just… touched Virgil’s hand. Virgil grabbed it, held it hard and fast.

“Okay, you two, can you count five things you can see for me please?” Roman asked, smiling encouragingly, the noise still cutting through him.

“Carpet, couch,” Patton shuddered, glancing up, “Lo-logan. Virgil. You.” Patton had faltered upon seeing his boyfriend’s face.

Logan stood, frozen, watching.

Roman looked toward Virgil, who shook his head, breathing already returning to normal.

“I’m good, help Patton,” he murmured.

“Okay,” Roman breathed, nodding, “Pat, four things you can touch?”

“Carpet,” Patton frowned worriedly, looking at his clasped hands, “Hands. Clothes…”

Roman leaned forward and put his other hand on Patton’s arm.

“You,” Patton breathed thankfully, “I hear a buzz, and Virgil breathing… or is that Thomas? I can… I can hear something loud.”

“It's the plane Thomas is on,” Logan quickly explained, pushing his glasses back up his nose, “There’s some turbulence, but everything’s okay.”

“I can smell carpet. Our carpet smells weird. And… nail polish?” Patton frowned.

“Soz,” Virgil winced.

“And, well, fuck. I don't know what I can taste,” Patton sighed heavily.

“That's ok,” Roman nodded, “Are you feeling a little better?”

“Thank you,” Patton nodded, before looking up at Logan, “Uh.”

“I’m so sorry,” Logan blurted out, “I didn't know what to do, and I just-”

“It's fine,” Patton smiled, scrambling to his feet, taking a deep breath, and holding his arms open.

Logan nervously stepped closer, wrapping his arms around Patton. The other trait rubbed his back softly.

“Uh… so what happened there?” Roman asked, the buzzing fading to a dull headache.

“Sorry about the noise,” Patton sank down on the couch, curling up, “That happens whenever I- do that. For some reason.”

“Yeah,” Virgil mumbled, “Pat, why is Thomas’ _heart_ freaking out?”

“Um…” Patton blushed a little.

Virgil’s jaw dropped, “Dude.”

“He may have had a little freak out, because he… realised some feelings? Also, combined with the plane and everything,” Patton rubbed the back of his neck.

Logan sighed, “It’s Liam, isn't it.”

“Maybe?” Patton pursed his lips worriedly.

“Aw,” Roman smiled, “Cute!”

“No!” Virgil exclaimed, “Not cute. Liam won't feel the same and Thomas is going to lose a friend. A really, _really_ good friend. Fuck.”

 

* * *

 

Thomas had calmed himself down. He didn't know why he freaked out (he knew _exactly_ why he freaked out) - but he probably should have seen this coming. Liam, one of his best friends...

“Hey, buddy,” Patton appeared beside him as he stared into the plane’s mirror, breathing deeply.

“... Hi,” Thomas sighed.

Virgil suddenly popped up, leaning on the door.

“You're so screwed,” he stated.

“Good morning to you too, Virgil,” Thomas groaned, “I am perfectly aware that I’m screwed, thanks.”

“Great,” Virgil sighed, “It’s too cramped in here, I’m leaving. But Thomas?”

“Yeah?”

Virgil’s voice dropped, “We're going to have a _conversation_ about this, later.”

Thomas gulped.

“Don't worry,” Patton smiled encouragingly after Virgil had sunk down, “This is good! Liam already likes you as a friend. Why not more?”

“I’m not ready to tell them yet,” Thomas shooed Patton, “Now get going! You can't just appear here, I need to leave.”

“Okay, fine,” Patton sighed, following Virgil’s path back to the living room.

It was always weird entering the common house when Thomas wasn't actually there. While the rooms (not their actual bedrooms, those were permanent) changed depending on where Thomas was (because he hardly left the house, it was _nearly_ permanent, but not quite), the common house was consistent no matter where Thomas was. But whenever Thomas wasn't actually in it, things got blurry and subtly changed. It was disorienting, and kind of freaky.

“I have a headache,” Patton announced as soon as he appeared, “Bye.”

Logan watched him go.

As soon as he heard Patton’s door close, he turned to the other two sides.

“Guys, what do I do?” Logan asked quickly, nervously.

“Huh?” Roman frowned, perplexed.

“Just go talk to him,” Virgil said quietly, “Bring him some tea.”

“TEA!” Logan exclaimed, “Excellent idea, Virgil.”

“I have a headache too, actually,” Virgil groaned, “I’m gonna go. I should finish painting my nails.”

“The fumes won't help with your headache,” Logan pointed out.

“Fuck the police,” Virgil sighed, leaving.

“I assure you I’m not-” Logan heard Virgil’s door slam shut, and he trailed off, “Involved in law enforcement…”

“So uh,” Roman fiddled with his hands, “What kind of tea does Virgil like?”

“Chamomile. Very smooth, Princey.”

"Thanks. I'm glad you noticed."

 

* * *

 

Virgil’s head was screaming.

_My Thomas? With a crush on his friend, Liam? It’s more likely than you think._

Jesus, this was going to fuck with Thomas’ whole life. Liam would hate him and then Liam would leave and tell everyone all Thomas’ secrets, and reveal everything, and life was going to suck. Well, life already sucked, but like… extra.

A tiny voice at the back of his mind spoke some sense.

_“Do you really think that lowly of Liam? He wouldn't do that.”_

‘Yeah,’ Virgil thought, ‘But no one can trust anyone. You just wind up getting hurt.’

 _“You trust Patton and Logan,”_ the voice gently reminded, _“And you're_ **_in love_ ** _with Roman.”_

“Am I?” Virgil said, out loud.

“Are you what?” Roman’s voice came from behind him.

“Jesus fucking _Christ,_ Ro,” Virgil felt shivers run all over him, “You nearly made me fuck up my nails.”

“Oops, sorry,” Roman winced, “Wait. Did you just call me ‘Ro?’”

“... Yeah?” Virgil whispered, turning to see Roman carrying two steaming cups of tea.

“Okay,” Roman smiled a little, “Okay. I brought tea.”

“I can see that.”

“I wanted to ask you a couple things,” Roman set the cup down on Virgil’s desk.

“Okay,” Virgil smiled nervously, “Is that chamomile?”

“Yeah, uh… you like that, right?” Roman asked.

“Don't mind it,” Virgil picked it up and just breathed the heat in.

“So, first question, bit deep,” Roman bit his lip, “Are you… okay?”

“Ugh, Jesus Christ,” Virgil rolled his eyes, “Yes. Patton talked to me today already. I’m… dealing.”

“Right,” Roman’s mouth flatlined, “Sorry. Yeah, uh. Yeah.”

“Thanks for asking, Roman, but you don't all have to treat me like I’m… made of glass, or whatever,” Virgil clarified, “Anything else?”

“And how about from just before?” Roman pressed, “You good?”

“Yeah,” Virgil nodded, sipping his tea and hissing at the burn, “Thanks for the tea.”

“You're welcome.”

“What about you?” Virgil asked.

“I’m-” Roman swallowed, thinking of his almost confession, Thomas, the plane, how _overwhelming_ everything was right now.

“Is this what everything normally feels like?” Roman managed, “For you?”

Virgil briefly paused his nail painting.

“Probably,” he shrugged slightly.

“You're amazing,” Roman smirked, delighting in the pink that spread over Virgil’s face.

“Stop it, you!” Virgil giggled, “Give me your hand.”

“Okay,” Roman smiled widely.

He really was amazing.

Roman briefly wondered if Virgil would ever believe that.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, honey, I know you're sorry. It's okay. You don't have to be,” Patton held Logan’s hand firmly.

“Okay,” Logan replied stiffly.

“Can I… uh?” Patton asked, leaning forward, brushing Logan’s cheek with his thumb.

Logan nodded immediately, leaning in, and Patton smiled into the kiss, quickly deepening it.

Out of all the things in the universe, Logan never expected to be here, like this. In Patton’s room, on Patton’s warm bed. Patton straddling him and pressing his chest down onto the mattress. Patton’s weight on top of him was like a blanket, welcoming, feeling like coming home.

They stayed like that for a while, kissing kind of lazily as time ticked by.

“You know,” Patton smiled, propping himself up on his elbows, “I think this is one of the best moments of my life. If not the best.”

“With even better moments to come?” Logan asked, and _damn,_ he hadn't meant to ask it so lowly, eyes half shut, but why not? He threw a smirk in at the end, just for the hell of it.

Patton’s eyes darkened, and when he spoke it was a low grumble from his chest.

“Definitely.”

 

* * *

 

Later, after Roman had left, red nails still drying, there was a knock at the Prince’s door.

Roman was greeted with a pissed-off Virgil, holding a pillow.

Virgil brushed past him, making his way to the… floor, the floor next to Roman’s bed? The anxious trait placed his pillow on the plush red carpet and curled into it.

“Uh,” Roman opened his mouth and then shut it again, pointing hesitantly at the door and silently turning back to Virgil.

“Get off the floor, you rusty spoon,” Roman rolled his eyes, flopping onto the bed and patting the space beside him.

“That’s chill, I’ll sleep in the living roo-” Virgil began.

“No,” Roman sighed, before slowly and obviously patting beside him again.

“Oh,” Virgil turned red, “Uh-”

“Come here,” Roman grinned, and Virgil slipped into Roman’s huge elegant bed, pulling the covers tight.

“So, what happened?” Roman whispered.

“Logan and Patton apparently didn't get the memo about _not having sex next door,”_ Virgil groaned.

Roman laughed heartily, “Oh man, that's hilarious.”

Virgil sighed, eyes shut, and as his breathing evened out, Roman tacked another point onto the end of his sentence.

“One day we'll get them back, hey?” Roman whispered, admiring Virgil’s sleeping face.

Roman rolled over to face away from the other trait, and Virgil pretended he was still asleep as his entire face grew red and he tried to figure out exactly what that meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp prq out


	15. you look a lot like me, remiss the oft anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the final chapter! i hope you like it. tw for gore at the beginning because virgil has a nightmare. also logan says something in this that i definitely don't agree with but i thought it was in character so whatever

[ _"cultural language is an operating system,_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjcq7Gu2b3XAhUIjpQKHR6xBJsQ3ywIKjAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dd65GR_qMFTY&usg=AOvVaw0h037Kz2l1VlcL-HJof9Ly)

[ _a simple interface_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjcq7Gu2b3XAhUIjpQKHR6xBJsQ3ywIKjAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dd65GR_qMFTY&usg=AOvVaw0h037Kz2l1VlcL-HJof9Ly)

[ _rendered feeble and listless when tested with_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjcq7Gu2b3XAhUIjpQKHR6xBJsQ3ywIKjAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dd65GR_qMFTY&usg=AOvVaw0h037Kz2l1VlcL-HJof9Ly)

[ _divinity or a true understanding of the human condition"_](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjcq7Gu2b3XAhUIjpQKHR6xBJsQ3ywIKjAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dd65GR_qMFTY&usg=AOvVaw0h037Kz2l1VlcL-HJof9Ly)

 

* * *

 

Thomas was tied to a chair in the middle of the room. Was it a room? Everything was blurry.

Somewhere, a clock ticked.

Logan and Patton were just… standing there, while Thomas struggled. The weirdest thing was that Virgil didn't even feel worried or scared or… anything. He just accepted everything as normal.

Even when Roman, dressed in a gold jumpsuit, raised a baseball bat and smashed the side of Thomas’ skull, crunching bone and splattering blood, sticky and warm on Virgil’s skin.

Roman handed the bat to him, and Virgil could see where they were now. A backyard. Palm trees higher than heaven, and sun hotter than hell. Patton lying on an inflatable mat in the pool, brightly-coloured cocktail in one hand, sipping loudly through a green straw. Oversaturated neon colours.

The light from the pool and Logan’s sunglasses ( _sunglasses?_ ) reflected into Virgil’s eyes, and suddenly there was no pool - no. No, there _was_ a pool, but it was filled with concrete, and there was a _hand,_ and hand holding a green straw with a flourish, and it was _sticking out of the concrete._

“Have you seen Patton?” He asked absently.

“Who’s Patton?” Logan asked.

“Nevermind,” Virgil shook himself. He didn't remember why he'd asked that, anyway. He looked down at the concrete.

“Whose hand is that?” He asked.

“No one’s,” Roman said, golden bloodstained jumpsuit gone to reveal a bare chest, and the prince dived into the concrete like the water was still there, sinking down with a glug, glug, glug.

Since when was the concrete wet?

Roman didn't resurface.

 

* * *

 

Virgil blinked his eyes open, and it was warm - too warm. Where was he?

Had Roman killed Thomas? Roman had killed Thomas. Had they gone swimming?

The door creaked open and Roman stepped in, no golden jumpsuit this time, just his regular outfit. He was carrying a plate of fruit, not a bat.

“When was the last time you went swimming?” Virgil asked, dazed.

“Are you okay? I haven't been swimming in ages...” Roman looked concerned.

“Okay,” Virgil nodded, sitting up more and accepting the plate. As Roman asked if he was alright again, his brain went back to the concrete pool, memories of it already fading. He thought something happened before that, too - another dream, a different one, where more people died.

“You don't play baseball, do you?” Virgil asked.

“I hate baseball,” Roman replied.

 

* * *

 

Logan sipped his coffee, biting the inside of his lip nervously. Him and Patton had actually… oh my _god,_ him and Patton had. Sex. Him and Patton had _sex_ last night, they-

“Hey?” Patton touched Logan’s shoulder, feather light, and Logan tensed, spilling coffee over the edges of his dark blue mug.

“Sorry,” Logan murmured, flicking his eyes up to Patton's. The concern in them made Logan feel bad, for some reason.

 _‘You had sex,’_ a sarcastic voice that sounded suspiciously like Virgil droned from the back of Logan’s mind, _‘Get over it!’_

“Are you alright?” Patton pulled a chair out and sat down, cautiously - as if Logan might break.

He hated that, and suddenly clarity was delivered like a blow from the heavens. Was that how Virgil felt, with them constantly checking up on him? Damn. Still, Virgil needed more attention than him. He needed to be checked up on. Logan wasn't like that, he didn't need to be _babied_ \- that's what he told himself.

“Lo?”

“Oh. Yes, sorry,” Logan nodded abruptly, hand sticky from the coffee that had spilled down the sides of the blue cup, like freshwater meshing with the ocean, or like dark, dark blood on a bus seat.

“I didn't do anything wrong last night, did I?” Patton asked worriedly.

“No!” Logan went slightly pink, checking over his shoulder for either of the other two traits.

“No,” he continued, “It was _good,_ really good.”

“Okay,” Patton narrowed his eyes and tilted his head a little, “So, what's wrong?”

“I don't-” Logan sighed, looking down at the dining table. There was a scratch on it that hadn't been there before, or maybe… maybe he'd just never noticed it. And suddenly the coffee was too bitter, and he felt sick to his stomach with exhaustion.

“I just feel like somehow it was… unnatural,” Logan swallowed, throat dry, “Don't get me wrong, it was good, and in the moment it was incredible. But I keep thinking about how… _weird_ this is.”

“I mean… I understand what you're saying,” Patton nodded slowly, “I've thought about it a lot. I came to a certain conclusion a few days ago.”

“Okay,” Logan whispered, shakily sipping at his coffee again, “Hit me.”

Patton smiled at his choice of words, eyes sparkling with amusement.

“Did I say it wrong?” Logan frowned.

“No,” Patton shook his head, grinning, “Okay, so. We have the capacity to feel romantic and sexual attraction, right?”

“Clearly,” Logan smiled softly, pleased that Patton was making an effort to explain this in scientific terms instead of just waving his arms around and making unintelligible noises like he usually did.

“Well, if we can do that, then why shouldn't we act on them? Surely that's not just some evolutionary… I don't know. Screw up?” Patton quirked his eyebrow, and Logan shrugged.

“It makes sense,” Logan nodded, smiling, feeling a little of his anxiety lessen.

“Nerd,” Patton smirked.

“Me? Impossible,” Logan said dryly, standing and carrying his now-empty cup to the sink.

He set it on the side and breathed deeply. He was going to be fine. They were all going to be fine.

 

* * *

 

Thomas had been sitting on his bed, staring at the bin filled with screwed-up bits of paper, for what seemed like hours. Music, some riff, from some song, played on a loop in his brain.

He'd fucked everything up.

Liam was never going to like him, not like that. It would be better to never tell him. Actually, it would be better to completely cut Liam out of his life so he was never tempted. That way, the crush would go away, right? Good plan.

Virgil appeared, sitting on Thomas desk chair, his back to the other man.

“I've already told myself everything you're about to say, I have a plan, I'm never going to-” Thomas began to explain, his eyes closed, but abruptly stopped when he felt two warm arms envelope him.

“What are you doing?” Thomas stiffened, figure frozen in a lightning bolt pose on the edge of his bed. Virgil pulled back and sat down on the bed.

“I-” Virgil gulped, “I don't want you to _hurt_ like this, Thomas. You like Liam. Maybe… maybe he likes you back, okay?”

“Aren't you supposed to be the embodiment of my anxiety?” Thomas frowned.

“Well, yeah,” Virgil paused.

Virgil had never been optimistic. But Thomas was not doing well, not at all, and Virgil knew how that felt.

“How about you let me be anxious about other stuff? Or, you know. Less anxious? A little worry never killed nobody,” Virgil tried.

Thomas rolled his eyes and remarked dryly, “I believe the line is ‘a little _party_ never killed nobody.’”

“Whatever. Creative license,” Virgil grinned, “Look, how about… you tell him how you feel, and if he doesn't feel the same you can just go back to being friends.”

“That never works,” Logan popped up beside Thomas, adjusting his glasses.

“Dude, fuck off,” something in Virgil’s tone was dangerous, but Logan pressed on.

“Everyone says that,” Logan pursed his lips, “But it inevitably becomes awkward, and then you never talk to eachother again. That's just the way these things go.”

“No,” Virgil shook his head, feeling a spike in his stomach and watching as Thomas internally freaked out.

“No,” he pressed on, “Listen to me. You and Liam? It’s whatever you make it. If you really want to go back to being friends, all you have to do is _try,_ and if he doesn't want that, then he doesn't deserve to be your friend.”

“Well that's not very fair,” Patton sprang up, his hands on his hips. He looked like a father reprimanding his child.

“It’s true. Love is just an extension of friendship, and Liam would understand and he’d be fine if he didn’t feel the same way, okay? I… don’t really know what I just said. Terrible sentence structure, but you know what I meant, right-” Virgil rambled until he felt a hand on his shoulder, and a familiar weight on the bed behind him. The darker personality exhaled, and leaned back, and Roman smiled into Virgil’s hair.

“You okay?” Roman asked.

“I’m fine,” Virgil groaned, “Thomas is a different matter. Liam likes Thomas, and if he doesn’t, then they’re still friends.”

“You don’t sound like you,” Roman teased a little.

“I’m anxious over what to wear for our first date,” Virgil giggled, “I’m thinking so far ahead that I’m not even worried that he won’t want to go on the actual date. Isn’t that a good sign?”

“Are you… feeling okay?” Thomas asked.

“Are you?” Virgil asked, turning to Thomas and looking into his eyes.

Virgil had thought about it, of course. About how he’d felt, and about how it had affected Thomas. But he’d never asked, because… honestly, he didn’t really want to know.

“I am,” Thomas took a deep breath, scoffing at the other’s disbelieving looks, “Really, I am. I think maybe Virgil’s right, guys. I think I need to tell him.”

“Whatever you decide,” Patton glanced at Logan, “We’re with you.”

“Well, Roman, I guess I’m gonna need your help,” Thomas smiled.

“Aw yeah! Creativity time!” Roman exclaimed, wrapping his arms around Virgil, and Thomas smirked.

“Shut up,” Virgil hissed, blushing.

 

* * *

 

Virgil sat on the couch in the common area inside Thomas’ head, observing Thomas’ nervous thumbs texting Liam, asking if he wanted to come over. And when Liam had responded “sure :)”, all four sides of Thomas’ personality had breathed a sigh of relief.

“One down,” Roman said dryly, and Patton stood.

“Tea?” The fatherly personality asked, and there was a chorus of positives from the room.

“Logan, come help me?” Patton gave Logan a meaningful look, which wasn’t missed by Virgil.

Logan and Patton left for the kitchen, and Virgil snuggled closer to Roman on the couch.

Roman smiled. He wasn’t entirely sure if this was what Virgil wanted, but if Thomas was willing to try, then so was he.

He put his hand face up on top of his thigh.

“Huh?” Virgil quirked an eyebrow at him.

“I’d really like to hold your hand,” Roman explained.

“Oh,” a faint pink brushed across Virgil’s cheeks, “Okay.”

Virgil slid his hand into Roman’s, squeezing gently, and Roman turned towards him, and so Virgil turned too, heart fluttering in his chest.

“I’d, uh. I’d like to kiss you. Is that… okay?” Roman asked shyly.

Virgil paused. Was that okay?

“Yeah,” he nodded, “That’s okay.” And so Roman did, and it was sweet, and warm, and when Liam showed up at Thomas’ doorstep Roman and Virgil were still kissing hard. There was lost time to make up for. It was okay. Definitely okay. More than okay.

They were all going to be okay.

 

* * *

 

[ _when i look at you i can't believe it's true_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjwi5DN2b3XAhWBoZQKHcs7Ap4QtwIIKDAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D5znbzNY0vc0&usg=AOvVaw0C0U2HmG0QcNmdQas6WzLk)

[ _you're all i ever dreamed of and you love me_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjwi5DN2b3XAhWBoZQKHcs7Ap4QtwIIKDAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D5znbzNY0vc0&usg=AOvVaw0C0U2HmG0QcNmdQas6WzLk)

[ _and you love me, and you love me_ ](https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjwi5DN2b3XAhWBoZQKHcs7Ap4QtwIIKDAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D5znbzNY0vc0&usg=AOvVaw0C0U2HmG0QcNmdQas6WzLk)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay! you've reached the end of the story. leave kudos and/or a comment if you liked it!  
> PRQ out, stay lit my fam, stay chill

**Author's Note:**

> hey  
> let me know what you think in the comments, leave kudos, or don't, yknow, if you hated it


End file.
